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A.KDARD AND MIHOE DRAMA. 



No. 457. 



A Valuable Fish. 



(^OMI:^^' drama 



WITH CAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES AND 
EXITS, RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS 
ON THE STAGE, DESCRIPTION OF COSTUMES AND 
THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS ; CARE- 
FULLY MARKED FROM THE MOST AP- 
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M. r. 



294 
164 
125 
318 
350 
113 
226 
321 
272 
160 
268 
310 
284 
373 
242 
161 
60 
342 
343 

152 
279 
173 
143 
67 
97 
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162 
385 
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255 
300 

311 
304 
93 

3W 
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314 
117 
386 
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3K2 
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337 
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9 
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330 
387 
417 
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261 
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410 
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DRAMAS. 

Arthur Eustace, 25c 10 

After Ten Years 7 

Anld Robin Gray, 25c 12 

Adventuress, The 8 

By Force of Love 8 

Bill Detrick 6 

Brae, the Poor House Girl... 4 

Brolien Links. 8 

Beyond Pardon 6 

Conn; or Love's Victory 9 

Clearinsr the Mists 5 

Claim Ninety-six (96) 25e... 8 
Commercial Drummer, The 5 
Cricket on the Hearth. The. 6 

Dutch Recruit, The 25c 14 

Dora 5 

Driven to the Wall 10 3 

Defending the Flag, 25^ .11 3 

Daisy Garland's Fortune, 

25c 5 5 

Driven from Home 6 4 

Dutch Jake 4 3 

East Lynne 8 6 

Emigrant's Daughter 8 3 

False Friend. The 6 1 

Fatal Blow, The 6 1 

Forty-Niners, The 10 4 

Fielding Manor 9 6 

Freeman Mill Strike, The... ' 7 1 

Factory Girl 6 3 

Gertie's Vindication 3 3 

Grandmother Hildebraud's 

Legacy, 25c 5 4 

Gyp, The Heiress, 25c 5 4 

General Manager, The 5 5 

Gentleman in Black, The... 8 4 

Handy Andy 10 3 

Haunted by a Shadow.. 6 

Haunted Mill, The 5 

Hal Hazard, 25c 7 

Hazel Adams 5 

Hearts of Gold... 5 

Hidden Treasiires 3 

Hidden Hand 15 

Josh Winchester, 25c. 5 

Joe, the Waif, 2.5c. 5 3 

Kathleen Mavourneen 12 4 

Lights and Shadows of the 

Great Rebellion, 25c ..10 5 

Lady of Lyons 12 5 

Lady Audley's Secret 6 4 

Legal Holiday 5 

Little Goldie, 25c 11 

Little Heroine 8 

Little Wife, The 6 

Life's Revenge.....^ 11 

Lost in London 6 

Maud's Peril. 5 

Mechanic's Rep-ieve, The.. 8 

Miller's Daughta* %c.« 7 

Midnight Mista/ 6 

Millie, the Qua/ 6 



163 Miriam's Crime 5 2 

34 Mistletoe Bough 7 3 

229 Mountebanks, The 6 2 

348 Mrs. Willis' Will 5 

277 Musical Captain, The 25c. ..15 2 

3 
2 



278 
301 



355 My Pard, 25c 6 

112 New Magdalen, The 6 

298 New York Book Agent 7 

237 Not Such a Fool as He 

Looks I % 

408 Noel Corson's Oath 6 3 

196 Oath Bound 4 2 

223 Old Honesty » 2 

81 Old Phil's Birthday 5 2 

331 Old Wayside Inn, The 9 6 

405 Old Glory in Cuba, 25c 8 3 

333 Our Kittie 6 3 

85 Outcast's Wife 1^ 3 

83 Out on the World 5 4 

347 Our Country Aunt 4 

146 Our Awful Aunt 4 4 

419 Our Jack 7 3 

Penn Hapgood W 'i 

Peleg and Peter, 25c 4 2 

280 Pheelim O'Rookes' Curse... 8 3 

5 Phylis, the Beggar Girl 6 8 

322 Raw Recruit, The 6 

420 Rachel, the Fire Waif, 25c... 7 4 

71 Reward of Crime, The 5 3 

45 Rock Allen 5 4 

275 Simple Silas 6 6 

409 Southern Rose, A 10 5 

79 Spy of Atlanta, 25c 14 4 

336 Squire's Daughter, The 5 3 

372 Sunlight, 25c 10 3 

266 Sweetbrier H » 

364 Trixie o 3 

369 Taggs, the Waif, 25c. b 4 

105 Through Snow and Sun- 
shine 6 4 

201 Ticket of Leave Man 9 S 

293 Tom Blossom 8 4 

193 Toodles 4 ^ 

2(K) Uncle Tom's Cabin. 18 t 

396 Uncle Jed's Fidelity. 7 3 

415 Under the American Flag 

25c. 6 3 

290 Wild Mab ^ % 

41 WonatLast 7 rf 

192 Zion ^ 4 

TEMPERANCE PLAYS. 

75 Adrift 5 4 

391 Among the Moonshiners 7 4 

73 At Last .^..... ^ 1 

187 Aunt Dinah's Pledge., ...... rf 

254 Dot; the Miner's Daughter 9 5 

202 Drunkard, The 13 ^ 

185 Drunkard's Warning o ^ 

189 Drunkard's Doom.. ...15 f> 

181 Fifteen Years of a Drunk- 

ard's Life......^, IJ i 

Fruits of the Wine Cup 6 o 

6 



183 
104 



Lost., 



■E 



-^A Valuable Fish.4^ 



A COMEDY-DRAMA 

IN FOUR ACTS 



BY — 



Wm. F. Cattell. 



TO WHICH 18 ADDED 

A DESCRIPTION (IF THE COSTUMIOS— CAST OF THE on A U AC 

TERS— ENTRANCES AND EXITS -RELATIVE POSITIONS 

OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE 

WHOLE OF THE STAGE liUSlNESS. 



Entered acconlinor.to act <W Coiig^i-ess in tlie year I30!S hv 

AMliS" PUBLISHING CO., 
JU the utlice ol the Librarian of Cougi'ess at Was lung ton. 



AMES' Lmi^lVlStllNGCO. 

CLYDE, OHIO: 



A VALUABLE FISH. 
CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

.. TrisJi comedy. 

:^ricHAFJ. Crombttc, ■ Dutch comedy. 

Oakl Kattzenhund, " j{e,,nyy lend. 

Tom U AUi.EN ' 'i^iyht comedy. 

Wii.TJK Simpson, qi^ m,,,i. 

M u. AhdHkws, Straight. 

PO! JCEMAN, j^,.^j^ comedy. 

Ml!S. Er.lZABK.TH CuOMBlE, ' .head. 

Miss Mauy Ckombie, ..Soubrette. 

Miss Agnes Cuombie, >• > 

, X ^^ [p^ ^ \^ I 

fwo coptes rtecttvca COSTUMES -MoUern, ^^' 

JUL 10 1905 







V 

-X- 



TIME—The present, 
+~" "273fi OF PLAYING-^ hours and 20 minutes. 

Co. 

SYNOPSIS ON LAST PAGE. 

.. : AH Professional Rights Reserved. 

Amateurs. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

■o- 1,. T Teff R H., Right Hand; L. H., Left Hand; 
R., means R.ghtj i- /^^^g^^j^,,^ Ent!-ance ; u. e., Upper V...tr<jnce. 

of Senter;L.c., Left of Center.^ 

V The reader is'sapposed to be upoa the stage facing the, .Oien.. 

TMP92-008810 



Js^ A^alnable Fisli. 



ACT I. 



SCENE. —Full stage, street drop and wings, Jisli stand in front ofj,. 2 
K., icitk ttco cod jisli. iind other fish on Humf — net r^d brick house r. 2 
E — Caul KATTzi!:NHU>iD discovered behind stand at rise of curtain. 

Carl. Veil, I have llie finest lot of fisl> to-day 1 have had in a loiio; 
vih'. I ouiiht to get a dollar ami a half for dot voiie. {picks up fish 
iiear c.) Veil, 1 dink I vill smoke my pipe uud have me a smoke out 
vile 1 vait for my customers. {exit l. 2 k. 

Entei- Tom Harden, l. 1 e., hurriedly. 

Tom. Curse that fool! I thought 1 had him knocked out. {has 
a siaail chamois bag with dianionds) Well, I his is a haul and no mis- 
lake, they must be worth $20,000. I thought they were beauts, but 
they beat the baud. What the devil shall I do with tljem. He will 
ha\e the Cops on my track before I can reach tlie fence, {sees fish on 
utand) All! the fish — I'll put them in this one, ami keep an eye t)u 
the stand. If 1 have given the old jay the slip, which 1 think I have, 
1 will buy the fish and they will never think of looking for them 
there, {p^its diamonds in fish, then looks off \.. 1 e.) Ha,ng me! if he 
aiu't after me! Well, I'll tool liim or my name ain't Tom Harleu. 

{exit li. u. E. 

Entei' Carl, l. 2 e, smoking a long pipe. 

Carl. Veil, there is nothing like a good smoke, 

Entei' Mr. Andrews, l. 1 e., very excited. 

Mr. AndreiDS. I am sure I saw the scoundrel standing liere a 
moment ago. Which way could he have gone? 

Carl. Good-morning, sir! Kin I do anydings for you dis morn- 
ing—ain't it! 

Andrews, {starts, turns, sees Oaml, then goes to him) Which way did 
tlie man go that was standing there? {points to where Tom stood 

Carl. I did not see dot man dot vas not standing dere. Vould you 
like to buy some fish ? ( picks up tlie fish loith the diamonds in it 

AndreiOH. No! no! I want too — 

Carl. 1 vill give you dis one for a dollar and a half. 

{holh up fish 

Andrews. Which way did that man go? 



4 ' A VALUABLE FISH. 

Carl Wliich— vhat man? 

Andrews. The man that was standing there just before I spoke to 

Carl. I vill give you dis fish for a dollar and a quarter^— it is 
cheap. 

Andrews. You are a fool!' {looks n. 1 E.) He must have sfone lliis 
way. I'll try! {e-vit h. 1 u:. 

Carl Dot man is a lunatie. {puts fish on stand i.. of other Ji.-</i) 
Dot is worth two dollars. Dot is a daisy. {puts hand on fish 

Enter Tom, l. u. e., comes down, looks off li. 

Tom. Well, I've given him tlie slip this time sure enough, {to 
Caul), Say, Dutchy! how do you sell your fish this morning'.' 

Carl Oh! I am giving deni avay— nit! 

l\>m. (picks up fish it. c.) Well, how much is this one? 

Carl Two dollars! 

Tom. What! two dollars for that? Do you think I am a jay? 

Carl You can have dis one for a dollar and a half. 

2om. No, 1 \\2i\\l this one! 

Carl You can iiave it for two dollars. 

2'om. Here's two dollars! (gives mo nej/, takes fish 

Carl Shall I clean it for you once? 

To7n. Not on your life, liye, bye, Dutchy! {e.cit i.. 1 b:. 

Carl Two dollars for that lish vas pretty good. I make me a <lol- 
lar and a half! Everyding is going veil dis morning, and 1 dinks I 
vill do me a good business. 

Entffi' Agnes, l. u. e. , comes down, hits CARii on back with cane. 

Agnes. Hello! Dutchy. 

Carl Oh! oh! 1 vos dead! I vos murderedl Vhat it is? Vhat 
vas it? 

Aqnes. {at r. i e.) Why it was me. 

Carl Oh, you! you bad girls! Vait till I got hold of you and I 
vill make you dink Aol— {picks up codfish and starts towards Agjsks 

Ent&i' Mrs. Crombie, r. d. e., covus between Agnks and Caiu,. 

Mrs. Crombie. Ye wild eyed Dutch galoot! what will ye make 
me ihiughter think? 

Carl Oh! how do you do, Mrs. Crummy? 

Mrs. C. Don't ye dare to call me names! 

Carl I would not call you names, Mrs. — 

Mrs. C. Don't ye say Crummy again, or I'll— 

Agnes. Thai's right, ma! give it to him. 

Carl. O.xcuse me, Mrs. C — C. I vos just iroing to ask your daugh- 
ter if she would be so kind as to take dis nice fresh fish to you n)it 
my gompliments. (h'luds fish. 

Mrs. C. Oh! sure, it's very kind ye are, Mr. Kal t/enhunil. With 
the greatest of pleasure, {takes fish) I thought ye were going to 
strike me daughter. 

Agnes. Well, if he liad, I would have given him a punch under 
the chin — see! 

Mrs. O. Keep quiet! Mr. Kattzenliund was not going to strike ye. 



, A VALUABLE FISH, 6 

Carl. No Mrs. C— C— I vas— 

Agnes. Well, did I say he was going too. 

Mrs. G. Yes ye did. Ye — 
^ Carl, Yaw, you said — 

Mrs. C. Hovv dare ye tell my daughter she — 

Carl. I tells your daugliter — 

Mrs. C. live say another word 1 will give you a punch along 
side of ye'r dirty Dutch face. 

Carl. ButMrs. C—C— 

Affiles. Yes, mother, let him know that you can lick any Dutch- 
man in tlie ward! Five to one on you, mother! 

Mrs. G. Another word out of ye and I'll show ye that the ould 
woman is a match fer all the new women, new girls and new men 
in the ward! 

Carl. But my pretty Mrs. C— 0— it is all a mistook. 

Agnes. Nit! Nit! 

Mrs. G, No, begorry! I am going to wash to-day 1 

Agnes. Aw! come off your perch! 

Carl. Tliat fish is not a perch, it is a cod. 

Agnes. Oh! you make me tired! Why don't you get nevt? 

Mrs. G. Get into the house with ye, or I'll get next to ye my fine 
young gal. Sure, since the ould mon bouglit ye a bicycle, ye do 
nothing all diiy but sling slang. 

Agnes. Oh! come off! you are both full of wheels! 

Carl. Eels! full of eels! 

Mrs. G. 'By the piper that played before Moses — full of eels! Well, 
did ye ever liear tlie likes of that? 

Carl. I vould not eat eels! if I never eated again mid my moutli 
out. 

Mrs. C. Shure I would as soon tliink of eating snakes, so T would! 

Agnes. Wheels! Wheels in your heads— see! 

Carl. She means thji.t we are full of l)icycles. {ff'^es to stand t,. 

Mrs. G. Oh! oh! is that so! {looking toicards Aai^ us threati?igly 

Aqnes. Oh, mother! I've got a letter for you! 

Mrs. G. Then why didn't ye give it to me? 

Agnes. Oh! well giv^ me a chance, will you! 

Carl. That is the newest girl I ever saw in my life out. 

Agnes, {hands letter) \Vell, here it is! I wonder who it is from? 

Mrs. C. {opening letter) So do I! 

( phices fish near door of house /crapped in apron 

Carl. T guess it is a hill for som 'dings. 

Mrs. G. At last! May the Lord be praised, at last! {laughs 

Agnes. AVho is it from, mother? 

Carl. . It must be very funny! Let me know vhat it is and [ viU 
langli me some. 

Mrs. C {reading letter) Oh! oh, the villain! Oh! oh, the black- 
guard! the thief! lherol)ber! 

Af/nes. Oh. mother! who is it from? And what is it about? 

Mrs. C. Shure it's— the divil! 

Carl. Yvovci the divil? 

Agnes. What are you givincr us? Who is it from? 

Carl. Yaw! who is it from too. is it! 

Mrs. C. Oh, my! Oh, my' it is fr..m yer sister Mary. Oh! that 
I should ever have lived to hear anything loike tliu^. 



6 A VALUABLE FISH. 

Carl Vliat! is it from j'oiir daughter vhat vent to Cincinnati? 

{mUpvonouiice it 

Agnes. Oh, mother! is it from Mary? 

Carl Und she lias been in Cincinnati for over two years, and 
you don't hear anydings from lier until dis times. 

Agnes. Well, what does she say? 

Mrs. C. What does she say, is it? What doesn't she say? 

Carl Yaw, vhat is it she says not. 

Agnes. Oh, read it, mother! 

Mrs. C. Oh, I can't! I can't! 

Carl Mrs. Orum— C— C— let me read it not for you. 

Mrs. C. Aiul do ye think I would let the loikes of ye read my 
daughter's letter? 

Agnes. No, Dutchy! not on your trolley car. 

Mrs. G. I will read it to meself aloud! 

Carl Und ve vill listen mid our ears closed— not. 

Agnes. Read the letter and don't keep us iu suspense 

Carl Nein, don't keep us suspended. 

Mrs. C. Will ye'z kape quiet nowl 

Carl I am quiellessl 

Agnes. Shut up! 

Mrs. C. {reads lette?') "My only dear mother, I am in a terrible 
pipe." 

Carl She fell in a sewer pipe! 

Agnes. No, she was in a terrible plight — see! 

Mi's. C. I thought it was a pipe, (reads) "1 was married a year 
ago-" 

Carl You vas! 

Mrs. C. No! my daughter! {reads) "To one who I thought loved 
me." 

Agnes. She was off her trolley. 

Mrs. C. Oh, my! and she never told me anything about it. 

Carl Nor me too. 

Mrs. C. And she has been married a 3'^ear. 

Jgiies. Oh, go on! 

Mi's. C. {rend^) "I was very happy until I foun'd that lie did not 
love me, and that he was a pickpocket and a robber." {aloud) On, 
werra! werra! 

Carl Den your son-in-law is a robber? 

Mrs. C Ye are a liar! 

Carl Veil, your daughter says so! 

Mrs. C. If she does, I'll not allow anyone else to say so! 

Agnes. No! we won't let anyone else say so — see! 

Carl Und neider vill I! 

Mnt. C. {reads) "When I found this out, I asked him to reform, 
but he only laughed at me." 

Carl He did not believe in reform? 

Agnes. Shut up! : 

Mrs. C {reads) "And said that if I ever told anyone, he would 
kill me!" {aside) The blackguard! {reads) "And that he did not 
love me, but only married me to make a shop-lifter of nie. 
Carl Ship-lifter! How big is your daughter? 

Agnes. Oh! come off. Shop-lifter! 'Swipe things from stores 

see.' You're all right from your head up, I^utchey! 



A VALUABLE FISH. 7 

Mrs. C. (reads) Well, mothei*! I have left him and expect to be 
Id New York as soon as this letter." 

Agnes. Weil, she knows her business, but 1 would not have left 
him until he ktiew I was a Crombie! (crosses k. 

Mrs. C. Oh, dear! Oli dear! (toeeps 

Carl, (goe-i to Mits. Cuombik) Don't cry, Mrs. C— C — if your 
dangliter lias shook her husband, you still 

Enter Mit. Ckombie, r. u. e. 

have your hnsbaiul (starts to put arms around M.T18. Ckombie) und 
your dear Kallzf^nlniiid too — 

Mr. G. (tkrowiug CAitr, \,.) Ye Dutch galloot, kape away from 
Mrs. Crombie! I have seen this goin' on fer som'e time and — 

Agnes. Oh, father! you here? 

Mr. G. 1 am here to protect me honor! Me wife's honor! Me 
family's honor against a Dutch fishmarket keeper, beer swilling, 
sweitzerkasH ealing. limberger cheese, guzzling frankfort and soul- 
kraut, wine badiing .son-of-a^ 

Gitrl. Mr, Crum — 

Mr. G. Don't ye call me Crummy! 

Carl. Mr. C— C— you are misunderstood; you do not know dot 
you are by yourself. 

Mr. G. 1 am and are alone by meself! 

Mrs. G. No, Moike! ye'r loving wife is here to protect ye. 

Agnes. Oh! come off, mother, Dutchey don'fc want to fight, he 
only means that pop is off his chump, and that— and that he was not 
getling next to you — see. 

Carl. Yaw, dot is it, Mr. C— C — I vas only consoling your vife for 
the letter she shust did not get. 

Mr. G. What's that? 

Carl. Dot letter dot she got yet. 

Mrs. G. Oh! sure I was so excited T got mixed. 

Mr. G. What letter'' 

Agnes. Why, the letter mother got from Mary! 

Mr. C. And have ye heard at last from our darling daughter? 
Where is she? 

Carl. In Cincinnati! (mispronounce it 

Mr. C. Where! 

Agnes. Cincinnati, Ohio,, was where the letter was sent from. 

Mrs. C. Yes, but she said she would be here as soon as the letter, 
so she must be on the train. 

Mr. C. Let me read it. 

Mrs. G. (hands letter) Here, Moike, read it. 

Mr. C. (reads letter) And Mary is married! And her husband 
wanted to make a shop-lifter out of her, did he? Well, I'll lift him 
if ever I lay me hands on him! Hut we'll give Mary a good home, 
and the Lord be praised thot we can do thotsame. Now vou ao inio 
the house and get everything ready to give Mary a reiil old Irish 
welcome. 

Mrs. G. Aw' and it's glad I am that ye are not mad with the gal. 

Agues. Aw' what's tiie matter wi|h you, ma? Come off! 

Mr. G. Don't ye dare to speak to ye'r mother loike thot. Now 
you stay here. I want to talk to ye. 

Carl (aside) Yaw, she needs it! 



8 A VALUABLE FISH. 

Mrs. C. I'll go !n, Moike, and get the dinner ready! {^goeK up r., 
picks up fish and sJunoH it) Moike. look at the fine fish M\. Kaltzen- 
hund gave me, sure we will liave it for dinner. {exit k. u. b. 

Mr. G. Allow me to thank ye, Mr. Katts-and-dogsl 

Carl. Mr. Crummy I 

Mr. G. Don't you call me — 

Carl. My name i."* Kaltzenliund. 

Mr. G. And mine is Crombie. 

Carl. Your apology is occepted. 

{they shakes hands, CarIj goes to counter 

Agnes. Father, what do you want with me? 

Mr. G. I want to know who tliot lalapaloosa is I saw ye wid this 
morning on tlie Bouvelard? 

Agnes. Oh! that was Willie, and he is just as sweet as they make 
'em. Why, he's dead stuck on me— see! 

Mr. G. Well, I forbid ye to be going out bicycle riding with any- 
thing thot iot)ks loike thot. 

Agnes. Oh! c«»me offi His mother is worth half a milli(»n, and 
he is his mamma's darling boy. Oh! you needn't bother about me, 
pop, 1 know my book. 

Carl. Yon bet your life she does! 

Mr. G. I don't care if his mother is worth five millions, I'll not 
have ye going around with dudes. Do ye nioind thot now? 

Agnes. No! I won't mind! I guess I am old enough to judge for 
myself. 

Mr. C. Into the house wid ye! I am surprised thot ye would 
dare to talk to your father in thot way. 

Carl. I ain't! 

Agnes. Well, you'll be more than surprised when you see me and 
Willie married. 

Mr. C. I will! will I! {goes toward Agnks who runs to u. 3 e. 

Agnes. Yes you will! will l!--see! {exit r. 3 e. 

Mr. G. Well, did ye ever hear the loikes of thot? 

Carl. Nein! I never did! 

Mr. C. I'm not talking to ye. 1 was talking to meself. 

Carl. Veil I vas talking to myself two times. 

Enter Mary r. u. e., icith hat and jacket on. 

Mary. Father! 

Mr. G. {turns) By me grandmother's ghost! Mary, me own 
darling jewel, and it's home again ye are. (they embrace) Sure it's 
right welcome ye are, and the blac!<guartl of a husband of yours; ye 
must tell me all about him, and when I lay me two eyes on him, I'll 
sweep the sidewalks up with him. so I will. 

Carl. Yaw, ve vill sweep up the gutLHi-.s up wid liim. {to Mary) 
How do you do Miss Mary. I am so glad to 'see you by myself once 
again already yet. 

Mary. 1 ain very well, physically, Mr. Kaltzenhund, thank you^ 
but almost distracted by the acts of mv iiusb;iiiii. 

Mr. G. Mary, tell me about him at unce. Who is he and what is 
he? What is his name? 

Marii. Thomas ll;irlen. 

Mr.'C. Thomas Harlen! 

Carl. Thomas Harlen! 



A VALUABLE FISH. 9 

Mr. C. Wliat does he look loike? 

Mary. Oh! father, I don't know. 

Carl. She don't know vhat her husband looks like! 

Mr. C. Do ye mean to say that ye do not know what your hus- 
band looUs loiUe? Oh, Mary! Mai'y! What am I to think? 

Mary. No! no! you do not understand me. 

Carl. JNein, you don't misunderstootl her yet! 

Mary. I mean tluit one ehiy lie looks, acts and talks like a polished 
o^entleiuan, and tlie next day he looks, acts and tall^s like a loii^h of 
the lowest type, then ay^ain he will appear as a minister, then a 
temperance lecturer. 

Mr. G. Well! well! 

Carl. Vould you belave it? 

Mary. Then a^-ain as a drunkard of the worst kind 

Mr. C. For heaven sake! wiiat is he? 

Mary. A thief! a robber! a forgerl 

Mr. C. Oh. my! Oil, my! 

Mary. A green goods man! 

Carl. Un'd he is a hand-shaker too. Veil, he is a lulu. 

Mr. C. And lu)w did you conje to marry him? 

Mary. Well, father, you know wlien 1 left home two years ago to 
accept that position as type-writer? 

Mr. C. Well 1 do! 

Carl. Yaw, we do — do! 

Mary. For H. G. Hay & Co., in Cincinnati. Well, while on the 
ferry boat or goinu to tlie train, I lost my pocket-book. 

Carl. Js (kit so' 

Mr. C. Yes, slie said she did! 

Mary. 1 felt almost crazy, and T did not want to come back liome, 
as I knew that you and mother did not have much money. Just as 
1 had made np my mind to come home, a gentleman asked me 
what the trouble was. 

Mr. C. How did lie know you had lost your pocket-book? 

Carl. Yaw, riow did he not know you lost your [)ocket-L>ooks? 

Mary. He did not know I liad lost it, but by the e.\i)ression of my 
face he saw that I was troubled, lie said, and he asked me what the 
trouble was. 1 told him that 1 had lost my pocket-book witli fifty- 
dollars in it. 

Mr. C. Ye did? 

Carl. Didn't she say so? 

Mary. Tlienhesaid "How fortunate! I just picked up this purse. 
I have not examined it as yet. If there is fifty dollars in it, it is 
yours." 

Mr. C. Well, I never! 

Carl. Kaither did 1! 

Mary^. And he look my pocket-book from his pocket! "It's mine" 
1 saiti; "let us be sure," he said, and he opened it, and there was— 

Mr. C. What? 

Carl. Sawdust! 

Mtry. aiy fifty dollars all right! I told him T was going to Cin- 
cinnati to take a position as type-wriler, and iie .said he was going 
there too, to act as floor walker for a dr} goods firm. 

Carl. To valk Hoors! 

Mai'y. And tliat he would be ploi'S'^d !o be my companion during 



10 A VALUABLE FISH. 

the trip. 
Mr. C. Oh? 
Mary. And of course I said yes! 

Mr. C. Ye said yes I 

Carl. Yaw! she said slie said yaw! 

Mary. I found out after we wei-e mai'ried, tliat it was he wlio 
picl<ed my pocket in order to get acquainted witli me, and tliat he 
was a professional croolc. 

Enter ^Iks. Ckombie. r. 3 e. 

Mrs. C. Moike! dinners — {seesM^Wix) Blessed be the Saints, if it 
isn't ye'r own darlin' self! Well! well! 

Mary. Mother! (they embrace) Dear mother! 

Mrs. C. Aw! me darling, and it's two long years since I set me 
eyes on ye. 

Carl. Vas'nt slie a daisy V 

Mr. G. Don't ye dare! 

Carl 1 vas only compliment's your daughter. 

Mary. Yes, two long, long years! 

Mrs. C. Come into the house and tell me all about ye'rself. Oh, 
Moike! I just tliought, tliat as to-morrow is Friday, I will save the 
nice cod ti.sh for dinner, so I put it on the ice and I will clean it to- 
morrow morn in'. 

Carl. If you vill let me, Ivill be most disappointed to clean it for 
you. 

Mr. C. See here! me woife will clean her own fish, and no thanks 
to ye. 

Mrs. G. Oh! yes, Moike, we thank him for the fish. 

Mr. C. Oil! of course, but not for the cleanin' of it. 

Mrs. G. No, for I \\ill clean it meself, and Mr. Kattzenhund can 
come and ha.ve dinner with us, if he will, to-morrow. 

Carl. I sliall be most welcome! 

Mrs. C. Right ye are! I have some foine corned beef and cab- 
bage for dinner, come in at once or it will be cold. 

{fxit Mus. Ckombie and Maky, ii. 3 e. 

Carl. I don't like me corned beef. 

Mr. C. Well! allow me to tell ye thot I do, and I am goin' to get 
outside of all I can. {e.rit k 3 k. 

Carl. {(j<>e,s behind counter) Corned beef! Och, it alvays makes 
me think of horses meat! Give me good sourkrout and frankfort 
sausages. 

Enter Willie, l. u. e., comes down. 

Vhat it is? 

Willie. Oh!" T beg pardon if I am interrupting or interfering, or in 
any way, detaining, pi-eventing, or I might say. allo<\ing luysflf to 
be so selfish as to tliink. or su[)p;)se, or imagine that for a •siiiiiJe 
instant you would be benefitted by imparting to me the information 
that I, or I might say, that I would not encrosi.ch on yotir vahiable 
time, I assure you as a gentleman. If it was not of the utmost im- 
portance to myself personally, and privately, and not by any means 
benefitting anyone else half so much as myself at the present moment, 
if you will kindly and correctly direct me to the abode of - 



A VALUABLE! FISH. 11 

Carl. Oh, yawl of course nit! 

Willie. 1 hopn that you can give me the information \ seek, and 
that you will not think that I am rude or nin,''entlenianly, because I 
ask you, a perfect stranger, tti inform me of that which I am so de- 
sirious to kno \ , namely, tiie abode of Miss Agnes Crombie? 

Carl. Veil I should forget to reCollect if I could not. 

Willie. Oil! 1 am so glad! 

Enter Mr. Andrews, ii. 1 e. 

An<1rew.<t. Confound the scouiulrel! T can not find a trace of him. 
To think that in a lavge city like New York, and in l)ro;i.d d;iv liuht, 
a man could be sand bngged and robbed of fifty thoiisaiur (h)il;i.rs 
worth of unset diamonds, I can hardly realize it. However 1 will 
know the fellow if I ever see him again, and I will see him sometime, 
then 1 will notify the police, and not until then. 1 will Iry this 
way. {stiirt.s up sttifje \.. 

Willie. (<?/;•//,«, ,«e^.« An miKWs) Well, I declare! if it isn't my oUl 
friend, l\Ir. Andrews, (t/iet/ .s/i<ike ha/idx) Well! well! who would 
liave thought of meeting ypu in this part of the cil3'. How is Mrs. 
Andrews and TJzzie, and the babyV Yes, how is the dear litile 
baby? Well! quite well, of course! How could he be otherwise 
with such a good mother and father. Your wife is enjoying good 
health, I hope, of course? How could she help it with such a devoted 
husband. Oh! by the way, Mr. Andrews, have you the same cook? 
Hut of course you have. Mother always said that your wife was the 
best housekeeper in the city, and I am sure she is the very best in 
the world. She knows how tq manage servants. You sliould brinjr 
your wife up and see mother. She would be delighted to see you 
and so would father. Poor dear fa.ther, he is not as well ashe might 
be. and I am not feeling very well myself. But you are the very 
picture of health! (Andrews impatient) What! in a hurry tcxi! 
Now don't say you are not, for I know you are, so I will not detain 
you. Mother always says that you are a model man of business. 
There! there! you needn't stay another moment, but be sure and 
give my regards to all the family. Good-bye! 

Andrews. Good day, sir! (starts up stage 

Carl. That feller is a coo!-coo! 

Willie. Oh, goodne.ss gracious! My! Mr. Andrews, did you ever 
liear of such a thing? Now who would have thought it, that I, a 
younir man only nineteen years old — 

Carl. I guess he means leap years. 

Willie. Would be so foolish as to forget one of the most useful 
articles in this little world of ours? 

Andrews. Why, what is the trouble with you? 

Willie. Why, I have spontaneously, and unnecessarily, and un- 
intentionally left my solid silver, gold lined pocket match box at 
home. 

AndreiDs. Well, here is a match! Good-day, sir! 

Willie. Good-day! {looks i?i pockets) Oh. my! How rediculous, t 
have also left m}' solid gold cigarelle case at home. Have you a 
cigarette? 

Andrews. No, but I have a cigar and you are we!c vne to it. 

{hidi'U W^uA.i^ cigar 

Willie. A cigar! By jovel doii'taiik me or I shall faint. 1 could 



n A VALUABLB FISH. 

not think of smoking a cigar! 

Andrews. Good-day, sir! and take my word for it, the sooner you 
learn to smoke a cigar, the sooner you will obtain brains. 

{exit L u. E. 

Willie. Brains! Brains! By jove! 

Carl. Yaw! und vhen yon get not the brains, yoiivill throw away 
the cigar und slniiolve a pipe. 

Willie. Tiien I sliall never try to obtain brains. 

Carl. You vonld never get lliem. 

Willie. How dare you aihhvss me in tiiat manner? t want 3'on 
to understand Liiat I am cttnsulered to be tlie brainest man in our 
set. 

Carh Veil I don't dink dot is not so, but don't you vant to buy 
some Msh ? - 

Willie. No, I do not! l\v jove! will I have to reiterate tluit 1 wisli 
to find the abode of Miss Agnes C'rombie. 

Carl. Well, slie (poiiUn to a. 2 e.) lives in tliat house over there, 
and she is a honey cooler. 

Willie. She is a darling, and as s^eet as lioney. 

binter Agnes, u. 2 e. 

Afines. Willie! 

Willie. Aggie! {they embrace) Oh! you do not know how deli oh ted 
I am to see you once again! Just think, I ha,\e'nt seen you in one 
thousand, two hundred minutes — huig, h)ng minutes. 

Af/nes. Oh! is it as long as that, you dear little thing. It's a 
wonder it did not kill you. 

Willie. Oh' yes, it is! 

Carl. They are a couple of foolishness fools. 

Agnes. lam going to take a spin on my bike. Will you come 
alotig? 

Willie. Ah! how delightful. I shall be overwhelmed with joy! 
by jove! 

Carl. Overwhelmed mid mud I guess! 

Aqnes. Then come along. 

Willie. Bye! bye I Diitchy! I thank you from the bottom of my 
heart for your iniormaiion. 

Agnes. Oh! come on. («a;i< Agnes a/i<i Wii, me, u. 1 e. 

Carl. Veil! veil! did I ever! {exit u. 2 &. 

Enter Tom Haki-en, i-. 1 e., on a run, goes to stand. 

I'om. (calls) Hey! hey! Dutchy! {sees fish gone) Dutchy! Dutchy! 
Carl, {heard outside) Vhat it is? 
Tom. Come here! Get a skate on yer! 

Enter Caut,, t.. 2 E. 

Carl. Veil, vhat it is— got skates? I got fish. 

Tom. AVhere's the cod fish that was there when I bought the 
other one' 

Carl. Vhat you vant? 

Tom. \ want to buy that cod fish. 

CarL Vhat, the one I offered to sell you for a dollar and fifty 



A VALUABLE! FISH. IS 

cents? 

Tom. Yes. 

Carl. Veil, you can't buy it. 

T(ym. Wljy nol? 

Carl. Because it is not for sale. 

Tom. Not for sale? Why not?' 

Carl. Because I give it avay! 

Tom. Who <li(l you jrive it to? 

Carl. To Mrs. Cromhie! I vas jsroing to soak her daugliter mid 

it, vhen Mrs. C'ronibie come out of the house, unU to save troubles, 
J give her the fish. 

Tom. Oh ! you ditll 

Carl. Yavv , 1 did, und they are going to have it for dinner to-day. 

l\>m. Did you clean it? 

Carl 1 did* not yet! 

Tom. AViiere does that woman live? 

Carl. U\erlhere! {points to Ji. 2 ^. 

Tom. TlianUs, Dutchy! {>itarti^ u. 

Carl. Siiy. hoUl on, I make me a mistake, they are not going to 
have dot tish for dinner to-day. 

IVm. Why nol'.' 

Carl. Hecaiise she put it on the ice for to-morrow, Friday! 

2'om. Good! I'll have that fish if I have to loose a leg! 

{starts to R. 

Carl. Give me two dollars und I get the fish for you. 

Ihm. I'll get the fish, {knocks at door of house 

Carl. Yaw, you vill nit! {exit l. 2 k. 

Enter Mary, r. 2 e. 

Mary. Well, sir! what can 1 do for — Thomas Harlen! my husband! 

Tom. Mary C'rombie! my wife at last! So you thought to desert 
me, did you' Well, you see, I have found you, 

Mary. Well, it will do you no good. Eveii now you are under a 
disguise. 

Tom. Keep quiet! 

Mary. 1 will not! T married you in good faith. I thought you a 
man of honor, good, noble and true! 

Tom. Curse you I will you keep quiet? 

Mary. But I have found you to be a thief, a swiuiiler, an enemy 
tohumanity in the form of a man! but lower than the vilest reptile 
that crawls the earth! A coward, afraid to fight the battle of life, 
but cunning enough to rob those who have fouirht ;i.nd won. Merci- 
ful heaven! to think that a creature like you .should be my husband! 

Tom. Yes, your husband, who y(»u swore to love, honor and ol)ey. 

Mary. Husband! No! before the justice of God and man, you 
are not my husband. 

Tom. But the law has made me so. 

Mary. Ijaw! You talk of law. You, that have broken every hivr 
for the good of man, but that of murder. You, who won my love 
by deceit and treiichery. Law, you know no law but that of self. 
You go your way, I will go mine! 

Tom. {catches her kanil) Curse you! Your way shall be mine, 
;:.nii mine yt»urji! {throws her u. 



U ^ VALUABLE FISH. 

Ent&i' Carl, l. 2 e., strikes Tom on shoulder^ 

Carl. Not if I know it! 

T'om. Take tluit you Dutch jay! {knocks Caul down L. 1 el 

Mary, {runs to house u., calls) Fatlier! father! 

Entei' Mr. Crombie, />-o»i house, i\. 

Mr. C. What is it? Who is it? 
Mary. Tom Harleii! 

Tom. {throios Mu. Ckombfe on top o/Carl, l. 1 "E.—they scramble 
and get up) Get out of my way! {grabs Maky and starts for k. 1 e. 

JSnter Agnes, k. 1 e. 

Agnes. Mary! 

Mary. Allies! 

Tom. {to Agnics) Curse you! get out of my way! 

Mary, {"triig filing) Let me «o! 

Agnes. Whai are you up to? 

Tom. That's my business! 

Agnes, {points pistol) Well, I'll make it mine. 

I'om. {lets go o}' M.AHY) Curse you! 

Enter Mrs. Croubie, from house, n. 

Mrs. C. Ohl my, what's this? (Mary ra/i« ^o Mks. Chombie 

Agnes, {to Tom) Now you yet! 

Tom. I'll be even with you all! {exit it. 1 e. 

I£nter Policeman, l. u. e. 

Policeman. Here, what is this row about? 
Agne» Oh! you're too late! It's all over — see! 

QUICK CURTAIN 



ACT II. 



SCENE.— c. E. wiUi cnrtnins, in 3rd. grooves, backed by a liaU — carpet on 
floor — table i.. witlt two newspapers, two chairs r. and l. of table, sofa 
R,, screen r. of c. e., doors r. and l,, window l. — Mary discovered 
seated r. of table, sewinq. 

Mary. As I feared, he has followed me. But why has he done 
so? He does not love me, that I am sure of. Why did he come 
to the house lastni«:ht? How did he know that I was in New York? 
But there is one thing I am determint-d on, and that is never! never 
to think of him as my husband, or share his liome, no matter what 
may happen, and I pray that I may never see l>is face again. 

Enter Mrs. Crombie, r. 1 e. 

Mrs. C. Ah! Mary, me darlin'! {kisses her) Why are ye lookinj? 
so sad? Sure, is it that blacliguard of a husband ye are thinking 
of? 



A VALUABLE FISH. 15 

Mary. Yes, mother. 

Mrs. C. Sure, don't ye be worrying about liim, be is not worth it. 

Mary. 1 know it, mother! But 1 cannot lielp it. lor I fear that lie 
may, in some way, do us all harm, for there is nothing to be feared 
more than a liar and a thief. 

Mrs. V. Well, well' don't ye bethinking about him. He'll do ye 
no harm me darlin'. 

Mary. I do not fear so much«for myself. Oh! I don't know why, 
but it seems as if something terrible was going- to ha[)peii. {rises 

Mrs. C. Goto your room, me darlin', and try and get a little sleep, 
and you will feel better. 

Mury. Peril aps ! {crosses \.. 

Mrs. C. And if that villain shows himself liere, begorra, some- 
thing terrible will happen to him! (^.ivY Maky, r-. 1 e.) Oh, my! 
Oh, me! Oli, my! Well, well! {arranging furniture (fbmit .ftnge) And 
to think that I am the mother-in-law of a robber, a thief and a liar. 
Oh! I hat I should live to see this day. Sure, it will drive me crazy, 
thinking about it. Sure, look at me now. I've just told Mary not 
to worry about the thieving— Oh! be the powers, 1 forgot all about 
cleaning the fish, and we are to have dinner at six o'clock, {starts 
toward K. I R.—hell heard off Vi.) Be the powers, there's the bell. 
Who the devil can it be. I wonder! {starts for c. &. 

Enter Wu.iAE, c. B.,fromn. 

Willie. Why, how do you do, Mrs. Crombie? T am delighted to 
see you. 1 suppose you are just up to your eyes in work, getting 
everything in preperation for the dinner you are about to give in 
lionor of the return of your daughter, Mary, who has just returned 
from the West. Aggie told me all about it. How thoughtful of you, 
and you are going to celebrate her return by cooking a fish. I assure 
you I am delighted to be one of the invited guests, as it is to be so 
unique a dinner as fish on Friday. It is quite the proper thing, I 
am told. 

Mrs. C. Oh! yes, Mr. Simpson, I am very pleased to see that ye 
are on time. But ye must excuse me for a moment, as I just heard 
the bell ring. 

Willie. Oh! don't excuse yourself, Mrs. Crombie. It was I who 
rang the bell, and just as I did so, I discovered that the door was 
not locked; and as I did not w ish to trouble any one to come to the 
door w hen it was open, I just walked right in. So you see, m}' dear 
Mrs. Crombie, you will not liave to answer the bell, as I am here, 
and 1 am very pleased to have the pleasure of conversing with the 
mother of the best, the most beauiiful, that is in my eyes, and 
amiable girl in this great city. 

Mr. C. Oh! yes— I don't know, but I suppose so! Be me grand- 
mother's rocking chair! 1 must clean the fish. 

Willie. Clean'^the fish! What fish! 

Mr.'t. C. Why, the fish for dinner, to be sure. 

Willie. Oh! yes, of course. How foolish of me t® forget. By the 
way, Mrs. Crombie, what kind of a fish is it? 

3frs. C. Sure it's a cod fish, and a fine one it is too. 

Willie. Oh, indeed! How romantic! 

3Irs. G. No! it's a cod fish! 

Willie. Oii, yes, to be sure. I understand, but ifrs. Crombie 



te A VALUABLE FISH. 

■when did Mr. Crombie ca.teh it? „ 

Mra. C. When did me husband catch it, is it? 

Wdlie. Yes, Mrs. Crombie, I am quite a fisherman myself, audi 
should so lil<e to know wiien and where ^our husband caught it? I 
am sure it must be a lovely tish. 

MvH. C. Lovely fish is it! Sure, it's the finest cod I ever saw in 
me loife. And where did me liusbiMid catch it, is it? 

Willie. Yes, Mrs. Crombie. wlien and where? 

Mrit. C. Sure he didn't calcli it atiilll 

Willie. Oh, Lordy! Lordy! I tlumght he did. 

Mrs. C. No indade and lie did iu)t; for it's meself thot caught it. 

Willie. Oh! Mrs. Crombie, how 1 envy you! When did you caicii 
it? 

Mrs. C. Sure. T caught it yesterday. 

Willie. Did you catcli it in a net or on a hook? 

Mrs. C. No, be tlie po.\ers, I caught it witli me hand, when Mr. 
KaMzenhund gave it to me. 

Willie. Oil! so it was given to you^ 

3Jrs. C. To be sure it was. 

Willie. By jove! lu)w unromanlici ' 

Mrs. C. . VVell, 1 can't stay talking to ye now. I must^ clean the 
fish and get it ready for dinner. Airnes will be in soon, (exit u. 2 e. 
Willie. VViiat a lovely woman Mrs. Crombie is. 

Enter Mauy, u. 1 e. 

■ Mary. How do you do, Mr. Simpson? You are Mr. Simpson, 
are you not? 

Willie. Yes, I am Willie Simpson, and you are Aggie's sister, are 
you not. Mrs. — Mis. — Mrs. — 

M'iry. Yes, you may call me Mary. 

'Willie. Than'Us! deUghted, I assure you! 

M(iry. Will you be sealed? (sits i.. 

Willie, {sitx ii.) Oh! t ha nU you a.> fully. So you have been resid- 
ing in tl>e west for the past two years. I suppose you were very 
much infatuated witli the west? 

Mary. Quite the contrary. To me there is no place like New 
York after all. 

Willie. Oh! yes, I suppose so! I expected to see your sister, 
Aggie! 

^M(iry. Slie will be in shortly. She has only gone to the store, so 
you vvM)n't have to wait long. 

Willie. Thanks, awfully, I assure yo\i. By the way, Agyie has 
spoken of you so often in the past year, that 1 feel as if 1 had known 
you for an age. 

Mary. Indeed! 

Willie. And I am sure you won't mind! 

Mary. Oh, no! 

Millie. Oh! I don't mean that! I mean you won't mind if T tell 
you that 1 am deeply and truly in love with your sister, your dear, 
darling sister, Aggie? I call her Aggie, because I like it better ihan 
Aiiiies. It distorts the features to proiiouiice Agnes, and besides L 
like Aggie belter, don't you? But of course you do! I love her 
desperiUely, devotedly, passionately, and to-day, if [ can only pluck 
up coinage enough, I shall ask her tube my dear, darling little wife. 



A VALUABLE FISH. n 

W()iil(^n't von? 

Mary. Well, u'. Simpson, if you love her dearly and rruiy, and 
inleiul to nialve lier a «!;ood husband, I say yes! 

Willie. Thanks, awfully, I'll make her the best liusbaud in the 
world. Do you think she cares for me? 

Mary. Yes, I am sure she does. 

Willie. Thanks, awfully. 

Enter Agnes, c. ^. from r., tcith small parcel. 

Agnes. Hello! Mary. Tliere's your cotton. 

{handi, parcel to Mahy 

Mary. Thanks! 

Aqnex. Well, Willie, how are you? {YfiiA^iK gets up) You little 
dear, you look killino;. {they embrace 

Willie. Thanks, awfully! 

M(try. Airnes! 

Af/nes. Well, what is it^ Don't you see tliat T am engaged at the 
present moment {kisses Jiim) on pressing business? 

M^illie. Oh. Aggie! {goes up stage 

Aqiies. {to Maky) Well, what is it? 

Mary, {aside to Agnks) Mr. Simpson has jnst told me that if lie 
could pluck up courage, he would propose to you to-day. 

Agnes, {aside to Maky) He'll get the courage. I'm not going to 
let tills chance slip. I'm after that half million, and I mean to get 
it, and don't you forget it. 

Mary. Why Agnes, don't talk so! {to Wimje) Excuse me, Mr. 
Mr. Simpson. 

Willie. Oh! certainly — awfully glad! 

Mary. Thank you. {laughs, exit c. e. 

Willie. Oh, no! 1 mean that T am awful sorry. 

Agnes. Oh, indeed! So you are sorry my sister lias left us? Did 
you come to see me or my sister, Mr. VVillie Simpson? 

Willie. No! no! 1 mean — 1 mean 1 am sorry she didn't go before. 

Agnes. Well, that's different. Come, sit here, Willie, and tell me 
all tlie news. {sits on sofa, u, 

Willie. With the greatest of pleasure! Aggie, I — I have some- 
thing very important to ask you. {sits on sofa 

Agnes, {aside) I believe he's plucked up the courage, {aloud) 
Have you, Willie, dear? 

Willie. Yes, I have. 

Agnes. Well, what is it, Willie, dear? {aside) I can see that half 
million now. 

Willie. I want to— to ask you if — if — 

Agnes. Well, Willie dear, if what? 

M'diie. If you think you could — I don't know if F should ask you, 
perhaps it would not be right, 

Agnes. Oh, yes, it would. I am sure it would, dear Willie! 

Willie. Well, yes, perhaps it would. But I don't know how toasiv 
you too — I mean — 

Agnes. You mean! Yes, Willie, you mean — 

Willie. Yes, I mean! I hardly know what I mean. 
Agnes. 1 know what you mean. 

Wdlie. Why, do you? 

Agnes. Yes, you mean, dear Willie, that if you had lie courage, 



jg A VALUABLE FISH, 

you would ask me. 

Willie. 1 suppose that's it. 

Agnes. I know it is, Willie dear, {gets up) but you wait, and I'll 
fix that all right. (^-^'^ ^- »• 

Be-enter Agnks, l. e., with a glass of cider. 

Willie. Why Aggie, how? . /, ^ , 

Agnes. By giving you some— drink thisi {/lands glass 

Willie. What is it? 

Agnes. Courage! Willie dear. 

Willie. What? 

Agnes. Cider! 

Willie. Oh, my! T couldn't drink cider. 

Agnes. But you must, Willie, it will do you good. 

Willie. But 1 never drank anything stronger tiian soda water in 
my life! 

Agnes. Then it's time you did. You don'i know what you've 
missed, Willie. 

Willie, {.smells of glass) Oh, my: how strong it must be. Ugh, I 
don't want too. 

Agnes. Hut you will drink it to please me, won't you, Willie dear? 

Willie, {takes glass) I will to please you, Aggie dear 

{raises glass and drinks 

Agnes, {holds glasstoWihi.iv/ slips) Drink it all. you little darling 
that's it. {takes glass, puts it on table 

Willie. Oh, Lordy! Oh! my— my— my mouth! my mouth! my 
throat! my throat! Oh, my! my! my! my! 

{places hands on .stomach, dances about stage 

Agnes. Oh! Willie dear, do stop, don't go on like that. 

Willie, {sit-f on sofa) Water! Water! 

Agnes. Keep quiet, and I'll get you .some! Do you want to bring 
mother and Mary here? 

Willie. Oh, T-iordy! if you love me, give me some water! 

Carl, {heard off n.) I tells you, Mr. Crombie, there is nothing like 
a good game of base balls. I am dead stuck on base balls. 

Agnes. IMiere's Mr. Kattzenhund, and the old man. 

Willie, {smiles) Aggie, dear! dear Aggie, give me water! 

Agnes. I'll get you some water. 

Willie. No, Aggie, dear! {smiles) no water, but cider! cider! Tt'g 
lovely now, it's lovely. (laughs 

Agne.s. (looks at Wu.uk) Good heaven! what's the matter? 

Wdlie. Nothing's the matter you little dear! dear! dear cider. 

Agnes. I do believe you are full! 

Willie^ {gets vp, staggers) Cider! let me have some more cider! 

Mr. 0. [heardoffYi.) Well, 1 tell ye, Mr. Kattzenhund, lam gone 
on horse races. It's the grandest thing in the world to see a horse 
race. 

Agnes. Come, Willie, get behind this screen, so that the old man 
won'l see you — quick! 

Wiliie. Cider! Give me some cider! 

Agnes. Come quicU, before Ihey aie liei-p. 

{puts WiT.i.iE behind screen h.. j)f c v.., stnnd.s with her back to it 



A VALUABLE WISH. 19 

Entei' Mr. Crombie and Carl, c. e. from r 

Mr. C. So ye are there, Agnes, are ye? 

Agnes. Yes, I'm bere. 

Carl. How do you do. Miss Aofnes? 

Agnes. No better for seeiuof you. 

Carl. Den you must be very veil. 

Mr. C. Sit down, Mr. Kattzenbund, and make yourself at home. 

Carl, {sits i,. of t aide) Thanks, and I vill sbust look tlie paper out 
und see if the New York Base lialls win not a games to-day. 

Mr. C. {sits R. of table) And »"llsee if me choice Sir Walter won 
the Brooklyn Handicap to-day. 

Willie, (looks over .screen— ttside to Agnes) Aggie I dear Aggie! 
■ Agnes, {aside to WH'\.ik) Hush! 

Wdlie. {aside to Ao^ii-a) Please give me some more cider, 

Agnes, {aside to \Ni\a,iv:.) Keep quiet. {pushes him doion 

Mr. C. Say, Katt/enbund, I've got some foine Jersey Apple-jack. 
Would ye like to try a glass? 

Carl. Yhat it is not. Jack's apples! I never beard me dot before 
once. 

Mr. C. No, Apple-jack! good old apple whiskey. 

Carl. Vhat! apple Whiskey! 1 don't forget -to remember ever 
drinking dot. 

Mr. C. {aside to Cah\.) Ye see, a friend of moine over in New 
Jersey sent me soine. And as the old woman and the gals think 
thot I don't drink anything stronger than cider, 1 told them thot a 
friend of moine sent me some cider. Good joke, wasn't it? 

Carl. 1 don't see il yet. 

Mr. C. What! ihe point? 

Carl. Nein, dot Apple-jack whiskey. 

Mr. C. {laughs) Pretty good! Agnes, bring a glass of cider for 
Mr. Kattzenhund and one for me. 

Agnes. All right, father, do you want it now? 

Mr. G. Of course we want it now. {exit Agnes, l. k. 

Re-enter Agnes, l. b., with a bottle and tioo glasses. 

Carl. Yaw, right avay pretty soon quick. 
Agnes. Well, here it is. 

AoifiES pours out two glasses, places one by Kattzenhund arid the other 
by Mr. OuOMBiifi, then goes up stage with empty bottle. 

Willie, {looks over screen, aside to Agnes) Aggie, ciderl 
Agnes, {aside to Wir.LiB) It's all gone! 

Agnes holds up empty bottle— Ww.j.ik disappears behind screen, disgusted 
— exit Agnes, l. e., with bottle. 

Re-enter Agnes, l. e. 

Mr. C. Try thot, it will make your hair curl 

Carl, {who is looking at paper) All right, I vant to see about Base 
Ball first. 

Mr. C. At your pleasure, Mr. Kattzenhund. {sips a little) Ah! 
that's the stuff! I'll look up the Brooklyn Handicap, {reads paper 



eo A VALUABLE FISH, 

WllUe. (over screen, aside to Agnes) Agoie! dear, dear Aggie r 

A(/ues. {aside to Willie) Well, what is itV 

Willie, {points to glass on table, aside to Aghi.s) Give me some more 
eider. 

Agnes, {aside to Willie) I can't, that's all there is. 

Willie, {aside to Agnks) Oh, Lordy! Lordy! 1 must have some 
more cider. ' 

Agnes, {aside ^a Willie) Well, keep quiet, and I'll try and swipe 
it for you. 

Willie, {aside to Aq^ks) Yes. do quick! 

Agnes, {takes Kattzenhund's glass and gives it to ^Yl\.^l.lK— aside 
to him) Weil, here! 

Willie, {drinks it. aside to her) More! more! {hands glass to her 

Agnes, {aside to him) • Well,' wait a miiiutt*! 

Agnes puts glass hack where it teas before, then takes Mu. Cuombie's 
glass and gives it to Willie. 

Willie, {drinks it, then hands glass back to Agnes, aside to her) Oh, 
Lordy! that's lovely! You're a little dear. 

(Agnes puts glass on table tchere it was before, then goes up stage 
Mr. C. Well, here's luck! {takes up glass 

Carl. The same to you. {takes u^ glass 

Mr. Crombie aiid Kattzenhund raise their glasses icithout looking at 
them, until they go to drink, then discover them empty. 

Mr. C. Empty! 

Carl. Noddings in! 
• Mr. C. Mr. Kattzenhund, I took ye for a gintleman. 

Carl. Mr. Crombie, I mistook you for a geiitleinaiis. You ask me 
to have a glass of Jersey Apple-jacks, uud you give me a glass mid 
noddiiigs in. 

Mr. C. My daughter placed two glasses of Apple-jack on this table, 
one for ye and one for meself, and ye have drank them both. 

Carl. " Mr. Crombie, you are a liar. 

Mr. C. {jumps up, grabs Caul) A liar, am I? Ye duck fish 
dealer! I'll show ye! 

(Mu. Crombie and Caul scramble and fall l., Mk. Crombie o?i top 

Willie, {falls off chair toward c. K. , knocking screen over) Oh, cider! 

Agnes picks up screen, places it in front of Willie, then goes behind 

screen, 

Mr. G. What's thot? 

Carl. Let me up! 

Agnes, {behind screen) Get up! you fool! 

Willie {behind screen) Give me some more cider! Cider, sweet, 
sweet cider! 

Mr. C. Cider, is it? {gets up, looks towards screen) What the devil 
is it? 

Carl. I give it up! {gets up 

Agnes. Get up! get up! 

Willie. Don't! don't! {exit Agnes a/jrf Willie, c. e, 

Carl. Vhat it is not! 

Mr, G. Be the powers! there's some one or two b.'hind thot screen. 
{picks up chair r. if table and goes up stage R. 



A VALUABLE FISH. SI 

Carl Yaw, or three. 

( pioks up chair t,, of table and goes up ntnrje t,. 
Mr. C. Well, may the Lord spare them, whoever they are; I 
won't! 

Mu. CwoMaiK and Ck\u, raise thei)' chairs and bring them down behind 
screen, knocking it down, 

Carl Veil, did you ever not. {places chair hack 

Mr. C. Well: well! {places rhjur hnck 

Carl. Say, Mi-. Crombie, on the quiet, do you think that we have 

the jimmie jams? 

Mr. C. Be mfe soul! T think we have, and from this niiiht lorili, 

I swear never to call Apple-jack, cider again. . 

Curl. Und neither vill I not. {picks up screen, places it \.. 

Enter Tom Harlen. c. e. disguised as a Jeic. 

Tom. How do you do, gentlemans? I hope 1 find you veil! 

Mr. C. I hope ye do. 

Carl. Yaw, we hope you do! do! 

Tom. Have you got any old clothes you vant to sell? 

Mr. C. No, we have not. 

Carl. Nein, we don't sell old clothes, don't it. 

T'om. Veil, perhaps your vile would like to sell some old dresses. 
Vill you kindly ask her. 

Carl. Nein, I vill not. I couldn't do it if I tried, because [ 
haven't got no vife to ask. 

Mr. C. And I will not, so ye can go! 

Mrs. C. {heard off h ) Moike! Moike! Agnes! Mary! Mary! Oh! 
be the po^^ ers! 

Carl. Vhat it is! 

Enter Mus. Crombie, r. 1 e., icith small chamois bag. 

Mr. C What's the matter? What has happened to ye? 

Carl. Yaw. vhat it is not. 

Mrs. C. Oh, Moike! look! look! {hoUU up bag) Diamonds! Dia- 
monds! or I'm dead! A bii.g full of real diamonds! 

Mr. C A bag of diamonds? Sure, have ye gone crazy? What 
do you mean '' 

Tom. My dear lady, let me see them? 

Mr. C. Indade and she'll not let ye see them! Let me see them? 

Mrs. C. Here, Moike, look! look at them, they are real. 

{gives bag to Mil. Ckombie 

Carl. Yaw, let us see the diamon(is not. 

Mr. a. {takes bag, opens it) Well! well! would ye look at thot! 
Did ye ever in ye'r loife see tlie loikes of thot? Diamonds! real 
diamonds! 

Mrs. C. Yes, Moike, real diamonds! 

Carl. Let me get a look at those real not diamonds onoe already 
yet. 

Tom. Perhaps they are not real, mine dea.rs! Lei me see Lhem 
und I vill tell you if they are. 

.1/?'. G. .\n(i what the devil do ye know about diuuonds? Sure ye 
deal in old clothes. 



S2 A VALUABLE FISH. 

Tom. Oh! yes, mine dear! But sometimes I deal in diamonds, 
und I am a very good judge, 

Carl. Did you hear that, he says he vas a Judge. Oh! you itre a 
lulu of a liar. 

I'om. A judge of diamonds, mine dears. 

Enter Mary, l. 1 e. 

Mrs. G. Oh! Mary, come here and look at the diamonds I found! 

Mr. C. Yes. come and loolv at tliem, tliey are real! 

Mary. Diamonds! 

Carl. Nit! I bet me a dolhir aiul thirty cents they are glass. 

Tom. Let me see tliem good people, anti I vill tell yon! 

Mary, (looking at diamonds) Oil! wiiat beauLies tliey are. 

Tom. Let me see tliem only one minute. 

Mr. G. Not a second! 

Carl. Nit, not for half a second! 

Mrs. C. Oh! the Lord be praised, they must be worth a grbat deal 
of money. 

Mary. Yes, they must! 

Mr. G. About one million dollars I ttilnk. 

Carl. Yaw, about thirty cents. 

T'om. Let me see them and 1 will tell you how much tliey are 
worth. 

Mary. Oli! mother, where did you find them? 

Mr. G. Yes, where did ye find them? 

Carl. Vhere did you loose them noi-, Mrs. Crombie! 

Mrs. G. I found them in tlie head of the cod fish tliot Mr. 
Kattzenliund gave me. 

Mary. Oh mother! how strange! . 

Mr. G. In the fish? 

Carl. You find them not in the cod fish dot T gave you, Mrs. 
Crombie? 

Mrs. G. Indade and I did! 

Carl. Oh! vhat a jack ass I vas to give such a valuable fish avay 
as that.. 1 sliould kick myself for it, doyou !<now thai. Mrs. ("ronibie! 

Mrs. G. Sure it would tlo ye no gooil now, Mr. Kattzenhuiul, I 
have the diamonds and tlie fish. 

Carl. Yaw! but Mrs. Crombie, I gave you the fish, not the 
diamonds! The diamonds vas mine! 

Mr. C. Ye gave me wife the fish, Mr. Kattzenhund. and all it 
contained, and the diamonds belong to meself a,n(l me wife. 

Mary. No, father, someone must have lost them; that is if they 
are real. 

2'om. Let me see them and I will tell you. 

Mary. You had better take them to Mr. Andrews, and he will tell 
you if they are good. You know where he lives, near VV^asliiiiglou 
Park. You had better go at once. 

Carl. Und I vill go mid you. 

Mrs. G. And I'll get ye'r hat and coat, Moike. (t;xit i,. e. 

Mr. G. 1 will; sure if any jeweler in the city of New York can 
tell, he can, 

Mary. Yes! Father, don't let anyone else see them before yon 
show them to Mr. Andrews. You can depend on him, and he will 



t 



A y ALU ABLE FISH. 95 

know -what is best co do with them if they are good. 
Mr. G. Ye are right, he will thot. 

Enter Mrs. Orombib, l. e. , with coat and hat. 

Mrs. C. Here's ye'r coat and hat' {helps him on with them) Now 
be sure and put the bafj in ye'r inside pocket, Moilce. 

Mr. C. I'll not! 1 will put thenn in me outside pocket and keep 
me hand on them, so they can't get away, do ye moind! 

(^arl. Say, Crombie, take your vife's advise, und put them in 
your inside pocket out. 

M<iry. Yes, do father! (l, of q, e. 

Mr. C. I'll ncU! Mr. Kattzenhund, don't ye suppose I know how 
to take care of diamonds' 

Carl, (aside) Oh' I vould like to swipe them, I would frighten 
the daylights out of him. 

Mrti. C. Well, be very careful then, Moike. They may be good 
ye know. 

Tom. Let me see them and I'll — 

Mr. C. I'll not let ye touch them! Out of me way, ye se'cond- 
liand clothes dealer. How <lareye talk to a Crombie with diamonds 
all over him ? [throwsTOM down i,. 1 e.) Come on, Mr. Kalt/.enhund, 
if ye are going with the King of Diamonds. 

Carl. All right, Mr. King of Diamonds, don't know yet! lam 
coming, but I think you had better take your vife's advice. 

Mr. C. I'll be back soon. (exit c. e. 

Mrs. C. Alright, Moike, I'll have the dinner ready against ye get 
back. 

Carl. By, by! We vill get back vhen we get back. (exit c. e. 

Mrn. C. By the holy powers! I must look after the fish, or it will 
be all burnt up. (funny exit ^. 1 e. — Mary l. of c. e. 

Tom. (starisfor K). B.) Well, young lady, I'll bid you a very good 
day. 

Mary. I know you in spite of your disguise, Tom Harlen. 

T'om. Well, get out of my way. 

Mary. (inc. e.) No! I will not, for I see it all now; those dia- 
monds are genuine, aiul you know it! 

To7n. Well, what of it? 

Mary. You would follow my fallier and rob him. 

Tom. Hush! Curse you keep quiet and let me out! 

Mary. No! I will not let you go! 

7hm. Stand aside before 1 use violence! 

Mary. Use it if you dare! 

7'o7n. Get away from that door and let me out! 

Mary. No, before I will let you follow those honest people, you 
shall take my life. 

I'om. (draws knife) Then your life it shall be. curse you! 

Mary. Strike! Kill your wife, you cur! 

2'om. No! no! lean not! (rerniU n., drops knife 

Mary. You are not only a thief, but you are a co .\ard! 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



$4 A VALUABLE FISH. \ 

ACT III. 

SCENE. — Park, night scene, wood wings, sky borders, two park benches. 

Enter Anduews l. u. e. at rise of curtain. 

Andrews. Twenty-foui* hours have passed and as yet, I have seen 
no sign of the scouiulrel who ro'jbed nie. {sits r.) I have visited 
most of the pavvubroUers in the lower pai't of the city, but not one 
trace of the jewels can I find. If I could see the scoundrel, I am 
sure 1 would recognize him, no matter how disguised. AV^ell, I can 
do no more to-niglit. {takes out icatck) Why, it is almost 7 o'clock. 
I did not think it was so late, {gets up) I will go to a restaurant and 
dine. 1 think it will be best to keep the loss of the diamonds to 
myself, for anotiier day may bring me better luck in tindiiig tlie 
thief. Yes, I may have better luck to-morrow. {exit u. 1 e. 

Ente?' Mil. Crombie and Caul, l. u. e., both smoking cigars. 

Carl. Veil, that is pretty good; you are one great liar. 

Mr. C. What's thot? 

Carl. You don't misunderstood me; you are a great story teller. 
That vas a very funny joke, excuse me vhile I laugh. (lau(//i.s 

Mr. C. I liave another one that is better than that. I will tell 
ye, Mr. Kattzenliund. 

Carl, {laughing) Don't! don't! Vait! vait until I digest dis one. 
Oh! tliat vas so very funny. {laughs 

Mr. C. Say, Kattzenliund, ye ain't such a bad fellow for a IJ^itcli- 
man. Do ye know that now. 

Curl Yaw, so dey tells me! (aside) I vish he vould take his 
liand out of liis pocket once, (aloud) Are you sure you don't know 
the number of Washington Square where Mr. Andrews, your boss 
lives? 

Mr. C. Indade and I do! But I'll liave ye to understand, Mr. 
Kallzenlinnd, that I have no boss. Mr. Andrews is merely the 
gentleman thot pays me for working for him. 

Carl. Say, vhy don't you take your vife's advice and put the 
disimonds in your inside pocket out. 

Mr. G. Don't bother me! 

Carl. Veil, I dorj't say me no more. Vhat is the number of the 
house that you said? 

Mr. C. Begorra! I forgot it, but I have it here in me book. 

Mil. CiiOMBiE takes right hand out of pocket and takes small book out of 
vest pocket— face k. 2 e., looking in book. 

Enter Tom, l. u. e. 

Carl, {takes hag of diamond.^ out of Mr. Ckombie's 'outside pocket) 
Are you sure tliat you have it iu)t? 

Mr. C. {referring to book) Yes, here it is. Come on. {exit n. \ v.. 
Carl. Yaw, and I have got the diamonds. 

{puts them in left hand out.nde pocket —ToM crosses r. 

Enter Maky. l. u. e. 

Oil! vhat a joke I have got on Crombie. He vill do vhat l)is vife 



A VALUABLE FISH. £5 

tells him npxt time yet. {ToMtnfr.es (tiaynomts out iff \jkjk.\, s pnckH and 
puts them in right hand outside overcoat pocket) Oh! dis is so ^xxxil 

(exit K 1 E. 

Mary crosses to k., takes diamonds frojn Tom's pocket and puts them in 
pocket of dress, ichich has a hole in it and diamonds drop to stage — 
crosses to i„ 

Tom,, (langhs) At last! (turns h., sees Maky) Curse you! What 
are you doiny here? (catches her and swings her k. 

yiary. N o 1 1 li n g- — 1 e t m e go ! 

Tom. So you have followed me' 

Mary. Yes, to prevent you from robbing my father! 

2'om. Indtred! Well, his trusted' friend, the Dutcliman, did tii,- 
job before I got the cliance. So you see, 1 am not tlie only thief in 
the \>orld. 

Mary. Let me go! 

Tom. Don't be in a hurry. 

Mary. Let me go, or I will call the police. 

Tom. (lets go of her) Well go! and go to the devil for all I care. 

Mary. Thank lieaven! {e.nt h. 2 e. 

Tom. Yes, she can go! and be hanged for all I care. [ tlioui-ht [ 
could make something of her, but she's too good. Well, I've gt)t the 
diamonds and that's all I want. I must get away from here in 
double quick time, (puts hand in pocket in which the diamonds were) 
Gone! gone! (goes through all pockets) Gone! Damnation, slie has 
taken them! I'll have them back if I have to kill her to g^et them. 

(exit u. 2 E. 

Enter Willie, l. u. e. 

Willie. Oh Lordy! Oh Lordy! I'm a sight. T— I feel— T don't 
know how 1 feel. Oii! if [ ever get over this, I'll never drink cider 
again, (sees hag of diamonds, kicks it) I wonder what that is? ( picks 
it up, looks in it) Diamonds! diamonds! (sits on bench u.) Wliat a 
find! I wonder if I've got 'em. Oh my! perhaps some one stole 
them atul in running away, lost them. If the police see me with 
them, tliey might arrest me as the thief. 

Entei' Agnes, l. u. e., sees Willie. 

What— what shall I do with them? I'll put them in my pocket. 

(puts diamonds i7i pocket 

Agnes, (slaps Wii-lie on back) So I've caught you at last. 

Willie, (drops on knees) Oh Lordy! It wasn't me! It isn't me! 

Agnes. Oh, come off! Don't you suppose 1 know you when I see 
you '! 

Willie. Aggie! dear, dear Aggie! (gets up 

Agnes. Ain't you ashamed of yourself to run away from me? 

Willie. Yes, indeed I am! Aggie dear, but I didn't run away. 

Agnes. Yes, you did, you know you did! 

Wdlie. No 1 didn't, Aggie dear! because I couldn't run. It was 
all I could do to walk. 

A'ines. What a dear little boy it is to tell the truth. 

Willie. And been use I didn't want to run away; ;ind because [ 
wanted to say sometliing toyou — I iiiean 1 wanted to asU you if — if— • 



S6 A VALUABLE FiaSL 

Agnes, (impatient) Yes, yes, go oiW 

Willie. If— If— 

Agnes. T would be your wife? 

Willie. Yes, yes, tliat's it! 

Agnes. 1 knew it, you little dear! 

Willie. AVillyou? 

Agnes. Will I? You can bet your sweet life T will, Willie! 

{grabs W^illie and hugs him 

Willie. Aggie, you are going to be my darling great big strong 
wife, and I am — 

Af/fies. Aggie's little boy. (hugs him— aside) lean see that balf 
million nowT (aloud) Willie dear, don't you think you had belti-i 
be going home, your mother will wonder where you are so late? 

{sits down 

Willie. Late! Is it late? {sits down 

Agnes. Why yes, it is after seven o'clock. 

Wdlie. Aiigie, I liave something else to tell you. T found some- 
thing and it may be worth a great deal of money — that is if they are 
real. 

Agnea. Why Willie, what are you talking about? If what is real? 

Willie. Well, I'll tell you. .lust as I entered the park, I picked 
up a chamois bag filled with diamonds. 

Aanes. You did? 

Willie. Yes, jind here they are. {sJioics bag) But I am afraid if 
anyone sees them in my hands, they will think that I stole them. 
No doubt some thief dropped them. 

Agnes. Dropped them ? {looks at diamonds 

Willie. That is what I think. Of course, someone that owned 
them might have lost them, but I don't think so. 

Agnes. Well, Willie dear, there maybe a reward offered forthem. 
We can look in the papers. You keep tliem in your pocket and 
don't say anything to anybody. I'll go with you as far as your 
house, and to-mori-ov you and [ will take them to Mr. Andrews, 
where tiad wori;s, and he will tell us if they are good. » 

Willie. Oh! I'm sure I hey are good, ain't you? 

Agne-H. 1 think so, but we want to be dead sure, see? {gets up 

Willie. Oh! yes, I see. {gets up 

Agne.'t. . AVell. comealong! It will be after eight before I get home. 
Willie. All right, Aggie, {puts arm around her) dear. See, I'll put 
the bag in my inside vest pocket — {puts bag in. pocket) there. 

Agnes. Yes, Willie dear, they will be safe there. {they go up c. 

Enter Policeman, l. 1 e., stops, looks after WiTiLie and Agnes. 

Willie. I think they will. 

Agnes. 1 know they will, Willie {kisses him) dear, {kisses him) 
Willie! Willie! 

Willie. Oh Lordy! Tiordy! " {exit Wir.T.iE and Agnes, r. c. e. 

Policeman. Well, they are happy anyway. It's the old, old story. 
I've been afflicted the same way myself many a time. May good 
Inck go with you both, as it has with ine and my jiood wife. God 
bless iier. Well, there are not many out to-nighl, for it looks very 
much as if we would have rain. Ihope it won't rain before twelve 
o'clock. {goes up c. 



A VALUABLE FISH. S7 

Enter Miis. Crombie, l. u. k., rtuis into Policeman. 

Mrs. C. Oil, t'.iere ye are! Did ye see the blackguard? Did\ye 
see the scouiidrel! the thief! the robber! the— the— did ye see him? 
Which way did he go? 

Policeman. Which way did he go? Who? 

Mrs. C. Who is it! Who is it! Why, that dirty thieving, lyinir» 
sneaking husband of me danohter, disguised as a Jew. Oli! ihaL I 
should be standing on me two legs and live to see, this day — I mean 
night! Did ye see him ?• 

'Policeman. My good woman, calm yourself and tell me plainly 
■what you mean aiul who you are looking for. 

Mrs. G. - Be calm is it, and you dare to ask me to be calm, and me 
daughter's husband a thief, and the worst of it is he warned to 
murder me 'daughter and steal her, Yes,*steal me own daughter 
that I raised meself and brought up as a fine lady. To think that 
she should be stolen away by a thief! 

Policeman. Will you calm yourself? 

Mrs. C. No, be the powers, I will not! Where's me daughter? 
Will ye tell me where me daughter is? (ydis 

Policeman. If you don't tell me plainly what you mean and slop 
making such a noise, I'll take you to the station house and let you 
tell the Sargeant. 

Mrs. G. Arrest me, is it! Arrest me, Mrs. Elizabeth Agnes Mary 
Crombie, born in Dublin, Ireland, came to this country on the good 
ship Londonderry, landed at Castle Garden, in the year 1850, in the 
city of New York, and lived here ever since, to be threatened b,v a 
policeman with arrest, for askinga civil question ? Phew! ye'll lake 
me to the police station an<l let me tell me story to the Sargeant, will 
ye? Sure, ye'r a foine guardian of the peace, ye are, to be telling a 
poor devoted wife and mother, that ye will arrest her, and perhaps 
send her to the Islaml if she don't — don't — {sits on bench l. and weeps 

Policeman. My good woman — 

Mrs. G. Oh! where is me daughter? Where is me daughter? 

Policeman, {goes to Mus. Chombik and takes her by the arm) Come, 
get up. I guess I'd better take you to the station. 

Enter Agnes, r. c. e, , goes bettoeen them. 

Agnes. And 1 guess you'll not! Why mother, what is the matter? 
What are you doing here? 

Policeman. Oh ! she's your mother, is she? {goes i.. 

Agues. Yes, she is! . (c. 

Mrs. C. {gets up) Thank heaven, you are here, Agnes! Sure, I 
am almost wild, so I am! Where is Mary? Have you seen her? 

Agnes. No! What's the matter? * 

Mrs. G. Sure, what's the matter, is it. Why, that blackguard of 
a husband of her's came to the house, disguised as a Jew, and tried 
to steal her. I was in the kitchen and I heard a noise in the front 
room; when I ran in. I saw a coat and black whiskers lying on the 
floor and Mary runningout of the d<Hn- with that thieving husband 
of her's at her heels. I put me shawl and bonnet on and started 
after them, aiul when I asked the policem;tn here to tell me where 
me daughter went, he said he would arrest me. 

Policeman. I think, young lady, you had better take your mother 



f^3 A VALUABLE FISH, 

home. 

Mr 8. C. Take me home, is it. 

Agnes. Yes, mother, come home. 

Mrs. C. ril not j^o a step till I know where me dang]»tev Mary is. 
Why, tliot husband of lier's may have killed her by this toime. 

Policeman. Which way did he tro? 

Mrs. C. Sure if I knew, do ye think I'd be asking the likes of ye 
to tell me? No, indadel I don't know. Oli! worra, worra. 

Agnes. Come along, mother, and we'll look for Mary ourselves. 
Come along and never mind tiie copper, tliey never know anything. 

Mrs. C. Right ye are, me darling, and lie wanted to run me in fur 
speaking to him, do ye mind. 

Agnes. Come along, mother! {tri/s to get her to go 

Mrs. C. But do ye iQoind thot lie wanted to arrest me, me a 
decent Irish woman. Sure, I'll give him something lie'll remember 
me by, so I will. 

Agnes. Come! come! mother, don't be a jay. The copper has 
the best of the game. Come on! 

Mrs. C. Tlie best of tlie game, has lie? 

Agnes. Come along, will you! 

{exit Agnks and Alhs. Cijombie, t,. 2 k. 

Policeman. Well, I suppose that woman knows what she is talk- 
ing about. I don't. 1 guess I'll follow them. 

{exit L. 2 E. 

Ent&i' Mr. Ckombie and Caut,, r. 1 e. 

Mr. C. Well, I never saw such a mon in me loife. 

Carl. You di«ln't! Vhy not? 

Mr. G. I don't know why not, but allow me to ttOl yp, Mr, 
Kattzenhund, I am very pleased that 1 never in the wiune course of 
me loife saw such a tool of a mon. 

Carl. You are? 

Mr. C. I am. 

Carl Vhat? 

Mr. C. What! See here, Mr. Kattzenhund, are ye tr.ving to 
string me? 

Carl. String! String you, Mr. Crombie! Vhat you means? 

Mr. C. I mean, are ye trying to fool me? 

Carl. Fool you! Nein, Mr. Crombie. Vhy should I make fool- 
ishness mid you? 

Mr. C. Well, what are ye talking about? 

Carl. Yaw, that's it, vhat are ye talking about, is it? 

Mr. C. W h a t am 1 ta I k i n g a bo\i t ? 

Carl. Yaw, you sav you never saw such a man! Vhat mans? 

Mr. C. What man"! 

Carl. Yaw, vhat, vhat mans? 

Mr. C. Why, the lunatic that opened the door for me at Mr. 
Andrews house, 

Carl. He vas a lunatic! How do you know dot"? 

Mr. C. How do I know? Sure, didn't 1 WW lilin that I wanted 
to see Mr. Andrews on very important bu.siiiess, and lie said thot I 
couhl not see Mr. AndrevTs. 

Carl He did! 

Mr. G. He did thot sartie. And I askeil liini why not. 



I 



A VALUABLE FISH. SO 

Carl You did? 

Mr. C. I did! See here, Kattzeuhund, if you interrupt me iigain, 
I'll break ve'r face. 

Carl. Vhat for? 

Mr. C. Oh! what — see here, I asked the lopsided galoot if Mr. 
Andrews was in. 

Carl. Nein, you didn't, you said you asked him if he vas in. 

Mr. C. Who was in? 

Carl. Vhy the man Ihat you asked if he vas in. 

Mr. C. No! no! you are off ye'r base. 

Carl. I am not phiying ball, Mr. Cromhie, und if I vas. T vould be 
on my base if I vas on it. 

Mr. C. It was this way. I told the man that came to tlie door, 
that I wanted to see Mr. Andrews, and tiie man dial came to the 
door said 1 could not see him then, and I aslced him why, and he 
said he was out. Do yt)u see now".' 

Carl. Veil, how could you see him vhen he vas not there yet? 

Mr. C. Don't I know thot meself. 

Carl. Veil, vhat you about it talk? 

Mr. C. I'm not talking about it. Sure, it's ye'r thick head thot 
can't comprehend. 

Carl. Veil, vhat did he say? 

Mr. C. Who? 

Carl. Vhy, the man vhat said — 

Mr. C. See here, Kaltzenhund, I'll — {putK hand in right hand 
pocket) Holy Mother of Moses, I'm robbed! I'm robbed! 

{Ou.iiiH'.s.s of yoiay through pockets 

Carl, (aside) This is as good as one circus. 

Mr. C. I've lost them! I've been robbed! 

Carl. Vhat is the matter, Croinbie, have you got some fits? 

Mr. C. A fit is it! 1 have a dozen of them! I've lost the bug of 
diamonds! 

Carl, (aside) Yaw, this is great! (aloud) You don't mean to tell 
me that you h)Ose the diamonds? 

Mr. C. I do! I did! They are gone! I've been robbed! 

Carl. Vhere did you have them? 

Mr. C. In my outside coat pocket. 

Carl. Vhat! you did not put them in your inside pocket, vhen 
your vife told you? Veil, you see that your vife knew more how to 
take care of diamonds than you did. don't it? 

Mr. C. Oh! what will I do? What will I do? 

Carl. Vhy go und find them, (laughs) Oh! this is good as never 
vas. 

Mr. C. Where will I foind them? 

Carl, (laughs) Oh! your vife vill give you the devil. (laughs 

Mr. C. What the devil are ye laughing at, ye Dutch fool! 

Carl. Oh, oli! I vill bust my insides out! Oh! it is a great joke! 

Mr. C. A joke! And do ye think it so funny for me to loose fifty 
million dollars worth of diamonds? (Caul lauyh.t) Stop ye'r laugh- 
ing, or I'll make ye think ye're in the next world, and it won't be 
Heaven — do ye moind! 

Carl. Sav, Crombie. you're a pretty good fellow; vhat is. 

Mr. C. Oil! I am. am I? 

CarL Yaw, you are! I just played a little joke on you, because 



^0 A VALUABLE FISH. 

you vould not put the diumoiids in youi* inside pocket, as your vife 
lolH you to. 

Mr. (J. And you liave them? 

Garl. Yaw, I just took them out of your pocket for — for — 

Mr. G. The Lord be praised! Sure, it almost scared the life out 
of me, so it did! 

Carl. Well, here — {puts hand in pocket) Mine Hitiimel! it is gone! 
someone has rt)bbed me to. 

Mr. C. Do ye mean to tell me — 

Carl. Jimmiiiy Crickets! I am robbed! I took the diamonds out 
of your pocket, and some one has robbed me! 

Mr. G. Ye are a liar! 

Carl Vliat— 

Mr. G. Yes! a Dutcli limburofer liar! 

Carl. Don't you get my german up, Mr. Crombie, for if you do, 
1 \ ill kick the daylights out of you. 

Mr. C. Kick the what? What out of me, will you? Come on, 
you tlnef, V\\ have you in jail for steaJing diainontis. 

Carl. Veil, you vould never had those diamonds to be got stole 
but for me. Do you hear that, but lo*- me? 

Mr. C. Give me the diamonds, or I'll break every bone in your 
fish selling body! Give them back lo me! 

Carl. Oh, come otf ! 

Mr. C. It's not come off 1 will, but come on! 

{Mvi. VxioyiMW. and CxMJ, fight 

Enter Policeman, l, 2 e., grabs Mii. CuoMBib; and Caul by their 

cuUars. 

Policeman. You had bettercome along \>ith me! So, it's fighting 
yon are, is it? 

Carl. INly dear good kind Mr. Policeman, you are mistook. Ve 
vas not fighting, ve vas just trying to see if Mr. Crombie could 
throw me, or if 1 could throw him. 

Policeman. Well, the Sargent will give you a chance to explain. 
Come along. 

Mr. G. Let go of me! Do ye know w ho ye have by the collar? 

Policeman. No, and I don't care. 

Mr. G. Oh! ye don't care, don't ye? WgU, let go of me, or I'll 
soal< ye one! 

Carl. Say, don't you know that you have no right to pull me by 
the collar, and that you can't arrest me! 

Policeman. Well, if you two don't come with me quietly, I'll use 
my club on your heads, and you'll go to the hospital instead of the 
station house. 

Mr. G. Oh. is that so! 

Carl. Do you mean it? 

Policeman. Oh! enough of this, come along! 

Mary: ( heard ojf' k . ) H e I p ! h e I p ! 

Mr. G. Do ye hear that, a wonians voice —a woman calling for 
lielp? Let me go to her rescue. 

Carl. A vomans voices calling for help! Let me go Lo her rescues 
not. 

Policeman. Shnt up! 

Mari/. (heard of H.) Help! HelpI 



A VALUABLE FISR. SI 

J^iitei' Mauy, r. 2 E., ryns into Pofjcemans arms, icho lets go <>/Mu. 
Ckombie and Caul, they cronn l. 

Help! Oh! Mr. Policeman, save me, save me! 
Mr. C. My daughter! 

Enter Tom, r. 2 k. 

Tom. Oflacer, arrest that woman. 

Carl. Arrest your daughter! 

7'om. I will accompany you to the station house and make a 
charire against her! 

F<fliceman. What has she done? 

7'om. Siie is a thief! 

Mr. C. Ye are a liar! 

Carl. Yaw, you are a liars. 

Policeman. Y^'oung woman, you will have to go to the station 
house with me. 

Enter Mr. Andrews, k. u. e. 

Mary. No! no! 

PoUcenmn. (to Tom) Will you make a charge, sir? 
7'om. {aside) Curse it! I may put my lie:td in the halter. 
Policeman. (^oTom) Will you make a cliarge against this woman? 
Tom. No! 1 will not! 
Andrews. But I will against you. 
Tom. {aside) The guy I robbed! 

Andreics. Officer, arrest thai man! I charge him with highway 
robbery and assault. 1 will appear against him. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT IV. 

SCENE.— Same as Act :^/j^.— Agnes discovered at rise of curtain. 

Agnes. So I am to be Mrs. Willie Simpson, and worth half a mil- 
lion. W^on'tl cut a dash when 1 go driving down the parkway with 
Willie by my side! Oh yes! I'll drive, of course I'll drive. 

Mrs. C. {heard off li., call) Agnes! Agnes! where are you? 

Agnes. Here 1 am! 

Entei- Mrs. Crombie, r. 1 e. 

Mrs. C. Well, well! and here ye are! and I've been looking all 
over the house for ye, 

Agnes. Well, what do you want, mother? 

Mrs. C. Oh, I don't know! Oh Agnes! last night was almost too 
much for ye'r poor old mother, but the Lord be praised, thot ye'r 
sister's husband is in jail, and I hope they'll keep him there. 

Agnes. What is he in jail for? 

Mrs. C. What is he in ja.l for, is it? Sure, didn't he rob Mr. 
Andrews and try to kill him! 

Agne$. When ? 



S2 A VALUABLE FISH. 

Mrs. C. Why, tlie day before yesterday, and in broad day liglit, 

Icto. 

Ai/iifs. What did lie rob liim of? 

J/7>. C. 1 (loii'i know. Mr. Aiulrews won't tell anyone at present. 
He IS as ni\ sierioiis— MS mysterious as — 

Aiines. What? Who? 

Mrs. C. As ye'r father and Mr. Kattzenhund. 

Ai/iies. W hill are they mysterious aliout? 

Mrs. C. Wt'll, I'll tell ye— no 1 won't — that is, not just yet. 

A(//us. Why not? 

Mrs. C. Oh, never moind why not! I am so bothered Ihot I don't 
know what I am talking about. 

Ai/ites. I jiiiess you don't! But if Mary's husband robbed Mr. 
Andrews, I (.lon'l see why she should be afraid to tell of what he was 
robbed. Say, mother, Mr. Andrews couldn't have Mary's imshand 
arrested witliout lelling the police what he was robbed of. Who told 
you Mr. Andrews refused to tell of what he had been robbed? 

Mrs C. Sure, it was ye'r father and Mr. Kattzenhund. 

Agnes. Say, mother, I've got something to tell you. Now d()n't 
gel otf your trolley. 

Mrs. C. Get oti" me what? 

Agues. I mean, don't make a time and kick up a racket— see? 

Mrs. C. No, I don't see! 

Agnes. Well, I'm going to marry Mr. Willie Simpson. 

Mrs. C. The devil ye are! 

Agnes. You can just bet T am! 

Mrs. C. Well, ye'll see when your father comes home, what he 
says about it. 

Agnes. Oh, T don't care what he says about it! lie don't count! 

Mrs. C. He don't count! don't heV Well, my tine gal, perhaps 
he don't, but I think he does, for he said he wouldn't ha\e ye run- 
ning around with dudes. 

Agnes. Willie is no dude! He is just as nice as can be, and I'm 
going to marry him, and he is coming here to-day to see you and 
father. 

Mrs. C. W^ell, if he has any regard ft)r his delicate constitution, 
he'll not see ye'r father, for if he does, I am afraid he will receive 
an introduction to the toe of liis boot. 

Agues. I guess not. 

Mrs. (J. Well, Jiever moind thot tiow. Come into the kitchen, I 
have something I want ye to do for me. 

Agnes. All right, mother, {inds arm around Mks. Ckombie's 
loaist) liut say, you'll put a good word in for me with father, won't 
you? 

Mrs. G. Sure and wliat good would that do, ye know he'd say no. 

Agnes. Hut he wouldn't if you said yes. You know he wouldn't. 
Say that you'll say yes. 

Mrs. G. All right. I'll say yes, ye coaxing devil ye! 

(e.veu7it R. 1 E. 

Enter Mr. Cuombib and Carl, c. e., both looking very serious— both ait, 

Gnrl. Say, Crombie! 

Mr. G. What is it? 

GatL Doyou thinic he villget life? 



A VALUABLE FISH. SS 

Mr. C. Who? 

Carl. Your daiifrbter's liusbaud. 

Mr. C. What for? 

Carl. Vhy, for hitting Mr. Andrew^ on the head mid a c!ub, niu. 
stealing a bag of diamonds. 

Mr. C. Diamonds! diamonds! Oh! what will 1 do! What will I 
do! 

Carl. Say, what's the matter mit yourself anyvay. 

Mr. C. AVhat's the mailer, is it? Sure, when me wife liears thot 
1 lost the diamonds, brcause 1 didn't put them in me inside pocket, 
she'll go cra/y. Oh, what will I do! 

Carl. Say, what's the matter mil 3'ou? Do you want to go crazy 
mit yourself? 

Mr. C. Oh, don't jest witli me, Kati'/enhuud. But why! why did 
ye take tiie diamonds out of me pocket? 

Carl. Veil, if you had put them in your inside pockets, I vould 
uot have been tempted to play a Joke on you! 

Mr. C. Ye are right, Katizenhund, it was all me fault, for not 
taking me wife's advice. And I'll do it if ever I get the diamonds 
again! 

Carl. Say. Crombie! I've got 'em! {gets up 

Mr. C. What! {jumps up) The diamonds? 

Carl. Nein! an idea! (sits agai7i 

Mr. C. Well, keep it!° Nothing but diamonds will satisfy me 
now. [sinks back into chair 

Carl. Vaite! vaite! iust vaite! 

Mr. C. Well, ain't 1 waitinir? 

Carl. Veil, you knox the day 1 gave your vife tlie fish? 

Mr. C. Do 1 remember it? Dove think lam de;id? Sure, tliere's 
been nothing but trouble in the house since. Bad luck to ye and 
the tish. 

Carl. Do you know tliat vas the day that Mr. Andrews was sand 
bagged and rt)bbetl of the tjiamonds. 

Mr. C. Inda.de I do! and that the same day thot me daughter's 
husband wanted to carry her olf. 

Carl. Y'aw, und that same day he, your daughter's husband, 
bought a cod fish from me for two dollars, und after I had given 
your vife a coil tish, he came back und wanted to buy that one, for 
he asked me wlio liad the fish. 

Mr. C Well! 

Carl. Veil, I think after he stole the diamonds he put them in 
the fish and ran avay, und vlieii he come back, he bought the wrong 
fish, see? 

Mr. C. Be the powers ye are rigiit, Kattzenhund, and tlie dia- 
monds me wife found, were the very same thot Tom Harlen stole 
from Mr. Andrews. But where the devil are they now? 

C((H. I give it up! 

Mr. C. I'll never give up the search for them. Some one must 
have Ihem. 

Carl. Say, don't you forget, that Tom Harlen said that your 
daughter stole the diamonds from liim just before Mr. Andrews had 
liim arrested! 

Mr. C. That's it! He's the one that took tliem from ye! 

Carl. Uud your daughter is tlie one tliat took them from him, 

LOfC. 



SA A VALUABLE FISH. 

und tliey were the very same ones, und she says that she lost them. 

Mr. C. And if she said she did, she did! Oil! I wish I ijad never 
set eyes on tliem at all I at all! 

Carl. Me too! by jimney crickets. {bell heard off c. 

Mrs. G. {heard off v..) Agnes, g'o and see who's at the door. 

Agnes, (heard off ii.) All right, mother! 

Enter Agnes, k 1 e. 

Hello! dad. Hello! ^\v. Kattzenlmnd. 

Carl. H»^II.o! How do you do, Miss Agnes? 

Agnes. Oh! I'm all right. (m^ c. E. 

Cai'l. Say, Croinbie! that daughter of yours, Agnes, is a very 
smart girl. 

Mr. C. Yes, I think she is a little too smart; 

Enter Agnks, c. e. 

Agnes. Say, dad! here's a copper that wants to see you 

Mr. C. {jinnps lip) A what? 

Agnes. A policeman — see? 

Carl. Holy jimney crickets, we are pinched! 

{jumps up, gets under table 
Agnes. If you ain't, you ought to be. {exit k. 1 k. 

Entei' Policeman, c. e. 

Policeman. How do you do. Mr. Crombie? 

Mr. C. How do ye do, sir! Prel ty well, I thank ye, sir! (r. 

Carl, {under table) Don't say that I took them! 

Mr. C. I'll have ye hung if ye don't shut up! 

Policeman. What's the matter with your friend. Mr. Crombie? 

Mr. C. He's got— 

Carl. No I haven't! {comes out fromunder table) Upon my life I 
haven't! '{scared 

Policeman. Haven't what? 

Mr. C. Haven't got anything but a fit! 

Carl. Nein, und [ haven't got that if it belongs to anyone else! 

Policeman. Well, Mr. Kattzenhund, I am not looking for tits or 
you. but the Captain has just been informed by telephone from 
headquarters, that Tom Harlen escaped from the court room about 
an hour ago. 

Mr. G. What! me daughter's husband? 

Carl. Vhat! Tom Harlen gotavay? Veil, he is a jimmy dandy. 

Policeman. Yes, the otlicers had just brought him into the court 
room, when he slipped off the handcuffs and was out of sight before 
they knew it. 1 tell you he is a slick one. 

Carl. You bet your life he vas! 

Policeman. And the officers are now searching the city for liim. 
The Captain sent me to see if he had shown up here, and if not, 
to let you know that he had escaped. 

Mr. 'C. Well, what do ye think of thot? Sure, he hasn't been here 
as yet, and if he comes, he'll get a warmer welcome than he wants, 
begorry! 

Carl. You bet your boots und socks he vill! 

Policeman. Well, good-day, Mr. Crombie! I've delivered my mes- 



A VALUABLE FISH. 35 

sage and must be off to be on the lookout for him. Should he come 
this way — 

Mr. C. Well, me brave guardian of the public, lead on and me 
and me friend, Mr. Kattzenhund, will follow and protect ye in the 
course of justice. 

Carl. Yaw, ve appointed ourselves detectives for the limes being. 

Policeman. Well, as you Icnovv him and I don't, come along. 

Mr. C Kattzenliund, you're brave! 

Carl. Take it, Crombie; the good left arm of Kattzenhund, the 
fisii man, ve vill find him. {holds out arm 

Mr. G. And when we do— 

Mr G \ ^^^ ^''^ '^'^'^ ^^"^ "^'^ '^"^^ ^^*''^' 

{exit Carl and Mr. Crombie, c. e. 
Policeman. If you do, I'll pull you both in. {exit c. e. 

Enter Agnes, r. 1 e. 

Aqnes. Well, [ wonder what that copper wanted here, and I'd 
like to know where the old man and Kattzenhund are goinj,^ wi*1i 
him? {looking off c. E.. 

Enter Mary, l. 1 e. 

(Agnes turns) Oh! Mary, I've got something to tell you! Why 
what's the matter? You look as if you had given the order for your 
funeral. 

Mary, {sits h.) I wish I had, Agnes, for it seems that thel^e is 
nothing in siore for me in tliis world but misery. 

Agnes. Oli ! don't talk like that. You don't feel well, I think? 

Mary. That isn't it! lam well enough! Oh, [wish to heaven_ 
that I had been struck dead before I ever married! 

Aqnes. Say, don't talk like that, you make the creeping creeps 
run up and down my back. Say, everybody don't feel like you do 
when they gel married, do they? 

Mary. I should hope not! 

Agnes. Well Mary, Willie has consented to be my husband at last. 
No, I mean tlial I lulve consented to be his wile, and he's coming 
here lo-day to see mamma and dad, and I'm going lo be worth half 
a million. Say, I'll be one of the Four Hundred, won't I? • 

Mary. I don't know. I suppose so. I hope you will be happy at 
any rate. 

Agnes. Happy with Willie! Well you can bet I will! 

Mary. Don't be so sure! You haven't married him yet! 

Agnes. Well, I am going too. 

Mary. But you do not seem to realize the disgrace that has be- 
fallen us. 

Agnes. Disgrace? Why, what are you driving at? 

Mary. AVliy, the disgrace of my husband, Tom Harlen, being ar- 
rested for i-obbery and assault. 

Agues. Oh, yes! ma said that he robbed Mr. Andrews, but Mr. 
Andrews wouldn't say what he stole. What was it? 

Mai-y. \\ was a little chamois bag full of diamonds. 

Agnes. Holy Moses! {almost drop. ^) A what? 

Mary. A little chamois bag of diamonds. You remember the fish 
Mr. Kattzenhund gave to mother? 



S6 A VALUABLE FISH, 

Af/nes. Yes, what's that got to do with the diamonds? 

Mary. A great deal! Tom Harlen stole the diamonds and put 
them in tlie moutli of a cod fisli on Mr. Kattzenljund's stand, tliinlv- 
iiig that if lie could give tl»e police, who were then after him, the 
slip, he would buy the fish. He did manage to elude them, but he 
bought the wrong fish. Mother found the bag of diamonds in the 
one Mr. Katlzeniiund gave her. 

A(/nes. Well, that's the first I have heard of that— go on! 

Mary. Father took the bag and started to go to Mr. Andrew's 
house to find out if they were real diamonds. 

A(/nes. Yes! yes! 

Mary. Mr. Katt/.enhund went with him! Tom Harlen was here 
disguised as a Jew — 

Agnes. Yes, mother told me that. 

Mary. He followed father and Mr. Kattzenhuiid, and in W;ishiiig- 
ton Park, Mr. Kattzeiihund took the bag from fathers pocket lor a 
joke, and Tom llarlen took it from Mr. Kattzenhund. 

Af/nes. Well, goon! 

Mary. And I took it from Tom Harlen. 

Agnes. Good for you! 

Mary. But instead of putting them in my pocket as I thought, I 
lost them. 

Agnes. In Washington Park? 

Mary. Yes, and my husoand, Tom Harlen, swears that I have 
them, and I am afraid that Mr. Andrews thinks hesi>eaks the tnilh. 

Agnes. Well, 1 know you haven't got them, and I can prove it. 

Mary. You? How? 

Agnes. Never mind how. but you just wait here until I come 
back, and you'll find that tiie future Mrs. Willie Simi>son is right 
up to <late — you bet! (e.rit v. K. 

Mary. What can Agnes mean? Wait here until she comes back. 
What can she know about the dianu>nds? 

Enter Mus. CnoMBiii. u. 1 e. 

3Ir8. C. Agnes! Oh! it's you, Mary. I thought Agnes was here. 

Mary. So she was, but she has just goun dui,. 

Mrs. C. Gone out is it, and where has she gone? 

Mary. I don't knt»\v. She tohl me to wait h re until she retnrned 
but she did not say where she was going. I told h/r about — 

Carl, {heard off n. There he goes! that's him! that's him! 

Policeman, {heard off u.) Which way? Who? Where? 

Carl, {heard off^ V,.) There, don't you see him, on top of that 
fence? 

Mr. G. {heard off R.) Hegorra! I do. Come on! 

Policeman. Stop, or I'll fire! 

Tom. {h eard off k ) F i r e a n d b e d a, m n e d to y o u ! 

Policeman, {report of pistol heard off' m.) Then take that! 

Mr. C. {heard off^ H.) Never touched him ! 

Mrs. a. iatc.K.) Tiie Lord preserve fr! What's I hat! 

Mary. {ate. E.) It sounds as if they were shooiiiigat some oue. 

Policeman, {heard off' R.—bell rings) Oi>en the door! Open the 
door, or I'll break it open! 

Mrs. C. Sure, who can it be? AVhat do they want? 

Mr. C. {heard off' ^.) Ye needn't nioind breaking it open, I have 



A VALUABLE FISH. S: 

a koy. 

Mary. JMerciful heaven! what can it all mean? 

liiiffi- Mr. Cuombiu;, Poi-iciiMAN and Caul, c' e. 

Mr. C. Did you see hhn? 

PoliceiiKin. lln\e yon got him? 

Carl. Wiiei-e is he? Let me <^et atliim! 

Mm. C. Sure, what's the niattei- with the lot of ye's? Are ye 's 
all cr:i/y ? 

Mary. Who are you looking for? 

Policeman. Tom liar! en. 

Mary. H;is he escaped? 

Carl You bet your sweet life he has, and he is a lulu. Ve saw 
him just a minute ago. Ve couhl iutve s ore he came in here. 

Mrs. C. ("ame in liere? Oh, the Lord help us! we'll all be killed. 

Mary. How did he come to esc:ipe? 

Policeman. We have no lime to answer questions now. He is in 
this house and we must find him. I'll search in here! {points \.. 1 
\(.. — to Mk. Ckombik) You search that room, {points u. 1 k.) and 
you, {to CAn\.) giui.rd Ihe front door. 

Cttrl. 1 vill mid my life out! 

Policeman. We'll liave him if he is in the house. {exit L. 1 E. 

Mr. C. And theLordhel[) him when 1 lay me two hands on him! 

{exit K, 1 E. 

Mrs. C. I'll go with ye. Moike! Sure I can handle a poker with 
any of them. ' ('^•*<^ «. I e. 

Mary. And I will stay here and give the alarm if he tries to escape 
by the window. 

Carl. No, Aliss Mary, you had better come mit me und guard the 
front door. He is sure to go out mill the door. 

Mary. Very w ell, if you I li ink best. {exit c. TS.. 

Carl. Uiul if 1 catch liiin, 1 vill kick the head off of him for put- 
* ting diamonds in my fish. {exit is.. C. 

Enter Policeman, i,. 1 e. 

Policeman. Well, he is not in that part of the house, that's certain. 

Enter Mu. Ckombie, u. 1 e. 

Mr. C. And I'll swear he is not in the kitchen or dining room. 

^/<<e;* Mks. Cuombie, k. 1 e., icith large poker, 

Mrs. C. And I'll swear he is not in the cellar. 
Enter CAUii, c. e. 

Carl. I've got him! I've got him! 
Mrs. C. Ye've got him? 
Mr. C. Ye've got him'' 
Policeman. Got him? Where is he? 

Carl. I mean I saw him come out of the house next door, und 
run jiround the corner. 

Policeman, {pushes Cmi\. aside) Out of my way, you fool! Come 



A VALUABLE FISH, 

on ! {a&it c. e. 

Carl Fools! Who's a fools? You are a fools! 

Mr. C. Hold oil, Mr. Policeman, I'll be with yel Bure they can't 

beat the irisli. {exit c. k. 

Mrs. G. Right ye are, Moike! Right ye are! {exit c. e. 
. Carl. They can't beat the Irish, ain't it? Veil, you can bei you 

life out they don't the dutch beat. {exit c. E.r 

Entei' Tom, through window, l. 

Tom. Curse them, I have given tbem the slip at last, {draws 
curiam across icindow) If I could see Mary and get the diainonds 
from her, I would manage to give tliese fools the slip and be out of 
this city in no time. I suppose I'll have to kill her to get them. 
Curse her, how she did lie! Swore she didn't have them, and I know 
that she has them safe enough. Oh! if I only knew where — 
{listens) What's that? {goes to c. v,.) Some one coming' It's Mary! 
good! good 1 {hides 1.. of c. E.. 

Elite)' Mauy, c. e. 

Mary. I wonder if they will catch him? I almost hope they will 
not. {comes down l. 

Tom. {in front of Q. e.) How do you do, Mrs. Harien? 

Mary, {turns) You here? 

Tom. Not so loud. They might hear you, and it won't be well 
for you if they do. 

Cary. Altlunigh I despise you and hoped I would never see you 
again, I would not raise my voice to have you tai<en back to jail. 
Why you have been fool enough to come here, 1 can n(^t itnauine. 
If you remain, you will be canglit, so go while you have the chance. 
{qoes toward window) Go by this vvindo>\. 

Tom. Keep away from tiuit window, on your life! keep away! 

Mary. l)i) nol tliink that 1 am afraid of you, Tom Harien. 

Tom. Keep away, I tell yon! {throws her ajound n.) You call me 
a fool! Well perhaps I am, but I am not fool enough to leave here 
witliout tliose diamonds yon took from my pocket last night. 

Mary. I haven't got lliem, and you know it! 

2'om. I know that you have got them, and 1 mean that you shall 
return them to me, so give them up. 

Mary. You know I told the Judge and Mr. Andrews that I lost 
them, You know I s^^ore it. 

T'om. Yes, I know all that, and you did it like an old hand at the 
business. 

Mary. How dare you talk to me so! I will call for lielp now, for 
all the pity I had for you is dead. (Tom springs at Maky atid throws 
her around l.) Let me go, you brute! 

T'om. Not until you give me those diamonds! Where are they, 
you she devil? 

Enter Mr. Andrews, c. e. 

Tom Give them to me and you shall never see me again. 
Andrews. Thomas Harien! {levels p idol) Let go of that woman! 
Tom. The devill {throws Maky i-., then crosses k. 



A VALUABLE F18H. 39 

Enter >[ks. Ckombie. c e. 

Mrs. C. Oh! tlie devil is here! Mary! Why, what is the matter^ 

{yota to Maky 

Elite)' Carl, c. k. 

Carl. Come on! Come on, ve have him! 

Enter Mr. Crombie, c. e. 

Mr. C. Well he'll soon get out of here. 

Enter Poi -iceman, c. e. 

Policeman. (^^' Tom) Oh, there you are my beauty! {qoen to him) 
A nice cli:ise you gave us. {jnitu htindcvffn on ToM 

Andrews. Poiiceiuaii, I think you iiad better arrest tliat young 
lady also. 

Mrs. C. Arrest me daughter? What for? 

Andreips. I accuse her of being an accomplice of Tom Harleu, 
her liusband. 

Enter Agnes, c. e. 

Agnes. Pi.\u\ I say she is not. 
Andrews. Well, yiunig laily. who are you? 

Agnes. Miss Agiu-s Crotnhie! but soon to be Mrs. Willie Simpson; 
and 1 say that my sister Mary luisn't gt)t the dianu)nds. 

Enter Wii.ijk. k. c. e. 

Willie. No, INIr. Andrews, but I have, and here they are. {shmos 
hag of dintnonds) .lust in time. 1 found them in Washington Park 
last night. 

Agnes. Willie dear, come to my arms. {they en thr ace 

Mrs. C. ^Tlie saints be praised! 

Andrews. Mrs. Harlen, 1 feel lliat I am in duty bound to ask your 
pardon for my hasty accusation; and l)elieve me, I shall only be too 
pleased todoall in my p«)wer to atone for it. {to Mu. Ckombik) And 
you may be sure, Mr. Crombie, I shall not forget to reward you all 
for your lionesty, 

Agnes. Give my share to Mary, Willie and I liave money to burn. 

Carl. l)t)n't burn it, give it to me. 

Tom. Curse you all. {break* away from Policeman and runs out c. 
K. — Poi-iCKMAN goes toe. E. quickly and fires revolver — Tom heard on, 
outside) I'm done for! 

Policeman. I have stopped him. 

Agnes. Well, he won't want to buy another "Valuable Fish" — see? 

. QUICK CURTAIN. 

THE END. 



JUL 10 

jfi A y ALU ABLE FISH. 

SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 

ACT T — Kattzenhmid's fisli stand— Carl— The diamond robbery- 
Tom Hai-lan l.ides li.e diamonds in a fish-Mr. Andrews searchuig 
for his properlv-"Uot man is a lnnatic"-Agr.es and Carl-Mrs. 
Crombie interferes-"Let him know that you can lick any dutch- 
man in the worid"-The letler-'Tll read it to mese aloud - 
kattzenhund consoles Mrs. Crombie-Mr. Crombie-' 1 not have 
ye aoing around wUh dudes"-Mary arrives-"She don't know what 
hei°husband looks like'-Willie looking /or information-Andrews 
continues his search for the diamonds-The very tender meeting o 
Ao-nes and Willie— "1 haven't seen you in a thousand, two hundred 
Ion- long min,.tes"-Harlan looking for a fish-"My husband - 
The'escape— As usual the policeman arrives too late. ^ . , . 

ACT 11 —Home of Mr. Crombie— "Don't be worrying about him, 
lie is not worth it"-Mrs. Crombie makes P^-eparation loi- dinner- 
"BeMeGrandmother'sllockingChair, Imustclean the hsh "Agnes 
endeavors to make Willie propose with the help ot a lit le ^^f^^^;^^]^' 
—VV-iter' water'"— .Mr. Crombie entertains Katt/enhund— Willie 
shows effects of cider-Mrs. Crombie finds the lost diamonds-" Yaw, 
Avorth about thirty cents"^Mary-'-l know you in spite of your 
disuuise, 'Wnu Harlan, an.l you are not only a thiel, but a coward 

ACTllI— Park-Crombie and Katt/enhund-The diamonds 
change hands rapidly-'i di.in't run away from y;>"',;,^^>'l'^^•''^'^^^• 
—WiTlie finally proposes to Agnes artd is accepted— I see that halt 
million now"-Mrs Crombie looking for trouble-"Sure, I'll give 
him somethinir to remember, so 1 wiir-"Mine Himmel some one 
has robbed me too"-Crombie and Kattzenhund have troubles ot 
their own— The arrest of T.un Harlan. ,, a , 

APT iY_p.,,.i._Mrs. Crombie tells her troubles— Agnes hears 
startling news-The mystery-"! am going to marry Willie, and he 
is no dude"-Katt/enhund has an idea-Straighten. ng out the tangle 

11'bv .limney Crickets, we are pinched"-On the track ot Tom 
H-trl-ui- "We will kill him mid our fists"— Agnes announces her en- 
tra^^ement t.. Willie-Mrs. Crombie joins in the Inmt tor Har'an- 
Mju-y and Tom-Caplured -"Arrest me daughter ' What tor.'-- 
Wmie restores the diamonds-l)eath of Tom Harlau-"He won t 
buy another valuable fish— See '^" 




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219 ^"^^^^"^^^ountr^Soo^^ 3 

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99 Jumbo .lum —; J ^ 

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Love in all Corners; s ^ 

Landlord's RevengeV The '■ ^ n 
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MatcliforaMothei-in-Law ^ 2 

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106 
288 
328 
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273 
313 
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349 

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55 
327 
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241 
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